1) Push your roley chair too far back so that when you sit, you end up sitting on the floor. This - while you are on the phone with your boss. It's entertainment for the rest of the office.
2) Walk on the elevated footpath, with a gutter next to you and think to yourself "I must avoid the gutter" and then walk off the footpath unconsciously (because you are walking away from the gutter) and end up on the ground in a heap of limbs. Yoga helps when you untangle yourself.
3) Walk into so many table corners, that they now fit perfectly into your hip. Like your body made the space for the table corner. It's a medical marvel I tell you.
4) Choose to subdue hiccups with coke, swallow it while hiccupping and have it gush out your nose. Classy I say. Boys will be lining up outside your door. If done at work, you will be the most popular person there.
5) Convince your half asleep self, that there is room on the other side and turn - off the bed. Then, be too sleepy to get back up, so sleep on the stone floor and crib about aches, cricks and bruises the next morning. Always a crowd pleaser.
6) Walk into a wall. This, especially done when not texting, not on the phone, not talking to anyone else, basically giving the wall your undivided attention, is always guaranteed to cause the most amount of embarrassment. But be aware that this must not be done on purpose.
7) Pick up a sleeping hamster. Make sure that the said hamster is fast asleep, wake it up, then put your hand in the cage to agitate it some more. Then when the hamster is clinging on to the pad of your hand, shake the hand violently so that the puncture wound rips further. Then be puzzled as to why your hamster bit you and why it's bleeding so much. Oh yes, one must not forget to faint and hit your very bony joints hard on the floor.
8) Trip. While walking, make sure you choose the uneven bit of the concrete ground, carry your 14 kilo dog and then tip forward. When falling, avoid injuring the dog by falling on your elbows. This will make sure that the dog escapes unharmed, but will leave you with bloody, bruised elbows. Movies must be made of this techniques. I do not volunteer.
9) In a bus, sit on a seat that has no handles on either side, almost like a cushioned stool nailed to the floor. Then be so focused on your Ipod that you do not notice the bus's movements on the road. When the bus breaks, follow Newton's first Law of Motion and fall on the floor. Then laugh so loud at yourself that your neighbour asks another person if you're mentally retarded. And is serious.
10) Now the last point - When talking to a cow, be sure to look it straight in the eye and smile. This will make the cow chase you and tell all the other cows about you so that they too will chase you upon sight. If you are not fast enough running away, make sure you have padding on your back because you will be butt.
All these methods have been tried and tested. But make sure you understand the repercussions and the ramifications of the above actions.
Note: No animals were harmed in the activities mentioned above.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Them bumpy rides!
After being scared witless by my mother (she appeared behind me in the mirror and said my name out real loud), I was officially running late. As I ran out of the house, I called my bus-mate (is that even a word?) and told him that I was indeed coming and asked him to get the bus to wait for me. I ran up the kilometer or so to my stop to realise the bus was late. Ah Murphy. How I hate you. Anyway, the bus was full so I had to get a seat in the back.
If you are like me, then you also hate those back seats cause every pothole, every bump is magnified. After being thrown up in the air about twenty times, I realised that trying to jump on a trampoline is off my life-list. Ive already done it on the dang bus. It also reinforced that I do indeed have the Bony-Ass-Syndrome. It hurts.
Oh well, in other news, my doggie didn't meet that Pom so yayness! I also did something stupid and forgot my wallet at home. I am now penniless for the day. Hate hate hate when this happens! I'll keep you all updated about the many adventures today promises. To start with, I have a presentation to make. I dunno who to wish good luck, me or my audience!
If you are like me, then you also hate those back seats cause every pothole, every bump is magnified. After being thrown up in the air about twenty times, I realised that trying to jump on a trampoline is off my life-list. Ive already done it on the dang bus. It also reinforced that I do indeed have the Bony-Ass-Syndrome. It hurts.
Oh well, in other news, my doggie didn't meet that Pom so yayness! I also did something stupid and forgot my wallet at home. I am now penniless for the day. Hate hate hate when this happens! I'll keep you all updated about the many adventures today promises. To start with, I have a presentation to make. I dunno who to wish good luck, me or my audience!
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
The disapproving mother
There are only ten zillion TV shows about the disapproving mother and only a hundred zillion stories about disapproving mothers out there. I sometimes identified with these stories, muttering "what right do they have to judge! As if they are perfect!" Well, for the last few months, I've shut up about them. See, I've become one of them! The "them" is now an "us".
My baby, my beautiful baby, is now very much in lust/love with a Pomeranian. Yes! Those nippy, yippy dogs!!!! What the hell! See, it's not that he wears a studded collar and rides a bike, or is too old or young for her. He is just really annoying. And honestly, I'm not sure I'm that comfortable with someone sniffing around my baby girl. I am always this close to sticking my leg out, in the direction of that dog.
I definitely do not approve of him. He is most disapproved of. I feel like if I say this a lot of times, then somehow, he will get the message and back the hell off. it makes me cringe to see how excited she gets when she sees him! She gets all waggy, and excited. Darn cute, if it was some other dog. Any other dog. She had such a cute beagle running after her, but she shunned him for this nasty piece of fur. Ew.
Now, I shall hope that I have put this message out in the universe, and that dog will get it! Until then, the plan is to wake up freakishly early on ALL days, yes even Sunday, and take her out when *he* is not there. Gah. The lengths a mother goes to protect her baby!
My baby, my beautiful baby, is now very much in lust/love with a Pomeranian. Yes! Those nippy, yippy dogs!!!! What the hell! See, it's not that he wears a studded collar and rides a bike, or is too old or young for her. He is just really annoying. And honestly, I'm not sure I'm that comfortable with someone sniffing around my baby girl. I am always this close to sticking my leg out, in the direction of that dog.
I definitely do not approve of him. He is most disapproved of. I feel like if I say this a lot of times, then somehow, he will get the message and back the hell off. it makes me cringe to see how excited she gets when she sees him! She gets all waggy, and excited. Darn cute, if it was some other dog. Any other dog. She had such a cute beagle running after her, but she shunned him for this nasty piece of fur. Ew.
Now, I shall hope that I have put this message out in the universe, and that dog will get it! Until then, the plan is to wake up freakishly early on ALL days, yes even Sunday, and take her out when *he* is not there. Gah. The lengths a mother goes to protect her baby!
Saturday, January 16, 2010
The rat with wings
There are sometimes in life when you think you have the best life ever. You get to go to your grandmother's house where she makes food that you adore. You get to relax, catch up with her and generally enjoy the pampering. After a nice two day stay, you come home. You turn the key, push the door open and enter. It's always the best feeling when you take that first step into your house. The "I'm home" feeling. Your dog rushes past you and checks the house, as if to make sure that the kitchen is still there and it hasn't gone away or something.
You go to your room to dump your bags when you notice something green on the ground. It annoys you because you recognise it. It's pigeon poop. You take a deep breath because you are in a good mood and you would like to retain this mood. You walk around it to your bed when you find the poop there also. You nice mood is all gone. You curse the pigeon with every curse word you know in multiple languages. You say "saala kutta" not knowing what it means, but you know people curse with it.
You walk out and inspect your entire house to see where else the damn bird had inflicted itself, but can find nothing. It is only your room then. It's haunting you. You call your friend meaning to tell her of your woes and how you must clean the mess and as you begin with a sarcastic sentence, you turn around to see one beady eye looking at you. You squeal when you realise the offender is sitting atop your curtain rod staring. Like it's some creepy bird from hell. You get flustered and squeal some more then go into a panic. Your friend calms you down and asks you to call your mum's driver to help. You hang up on her and look for his number. This is when the touch phone is curse worthy. His phone is unreachable. The pigeon now starts flapping at you, like it's taunting you.
You look at it and you channel in Rachel Greene. If she can do it, I can do it you say to yourself. Now you like your pots and pans so you do not want to use that, but you remember the empty trashcan in the utility. You go fetch that and the step ladder. It still sits there and gives you the "You can't so this" look. Yeah right, is what you think. You climb up the ladder gingerly and you use the trash can lid to push it into the can. After it flies to sit on top of your ceiling fan you realise that it's not as easy as it looks on TV. You try the number of your mum's driver again, this time he answers. you beg him to come up and in 2 seconds, he has caught the rat with wings and it is now safely outside your room. All is well, except for the massive clean up job in front of you. Good luck with that.
You go to your room to dump your bags when you notice something green on the ground. It annoys you because you recognise it. It's pigeon poop. You take a deep breath because you are in a good mood and you would like to retain this mood. You walk around it to your bed when you find the poop there also. You nice mood is all gone. You curse the pigeon with every curse word you know in multiple languages. You say "saala kutta" not knowing what it means, but you know people curse with it.
You walk out and inspect your entire house to see where else the damn bird had inflicted itself, but can find nothing. It is only your room then. It's haunting you. You call your friend meaning to tell her of your woes and how you must clean the mess and as you begin with a sarcastic sentence, you turn around to see one beady eye looking at you. You squeal when you realise the offender is sitting atop your curtain rod staring. Like it's some creepy bird from hell. You get flustered and squeal some more then go into a panic. Your friend calms you down and asks you to call your mum's driver to help. You hang up on her and look for his number. This is when the touch phone is curse worthy. His phone is unreachable. The pigeon now starts flapping at you, like it's taunting you.
You look at it and you channel in Rachel Greene. If she can do it, I can do it you say to yourself. Now you like your pots and pans so you do not want to use that, but you remember the empty trashcan in the utility. You go fetch that and the step ladder. It still sits there and gives you the "You can't so this" look. Yeah right, is what you think. You climb up the ladder gingerly and you use the trash can lid to push it into the can. After it flies to sit on top of your ceiling fan you realise that it's not as easy as it looks on TV. You try the number of your mum's driver again, this time he answers. you beg him to come up and in 2 seconds, he has caught the rat with wings and it is now safely outside your room. All is well, except for the massive clean up job in front of you. Good luck with that.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
People have adventures, I have them cowventures.
So, here's a piece of advice - Do not take pictures of cows. Especially of the do not like you. They will chase you across the street. I wanted to take a nice picture of a cow scratching it's ear, but apparently it had other ideas. Suddenly it's ear wasn't so itchy.
So, for the past 10 days, I've been eating one bag of potato chips a day. I think it's safe to say that I am indeed addicted to this stuff. Oh well. We'll just put it on the list. I have some things that annoy me to no end. One thing that I feel so mad about is people telling me that I either have an eating disorder (read anorexia/bulemia) or that I look like a person who has one. I'm going to say a few things. When telling me I look anorexic, do not pronounce it anoreCZic. Learn how to pronounce it first! Have any of you ever seen an anorexic person? S/he is not skinny. They are gaunt, literally skin and bones and unhealthy, like diseased. Now, do I compare you to a oozing pustule? No. I do not. So why are you comparing me to something equally disgusting? I'm skinny. Deal with it!
My next New Year resolution. Anyone who says crap about me being skinny, get ready for some very rude comebacks. I have a LOT of them. They have been repressed far too long. I really don't get how it's okay for a person to go "Oh my gosh you are so skinny" while it's considered beyond rude to say "Oh my gosh you are so fat" Why? We are still commenting on body size. I think I shall do that from now. When someone says "Why are you so skinny?" I will say "Because you are so fat. The universe needs balance."
Now I am done with my rant. Thank you for reading. Do comment. I enjoy reading them. Your comments that is. In case I wasn't clear. :D
So, for the past 10 days, I've been eating one bag of potato chips a day. I think it's safe to say that I am indeed addicted to this stuff. Oh well. We'll just put it on the list. I have some things that annoy me to no end. One thing that I feel so mad about is people telling me that I either have an eating disorder (read anorexia/bulemia) or that I look like a person who has one. I'm going to say a few things. When telling me I look anorexic, do not pronounce it anoreCZic. Learn how to pronounce it first! Have any of you ever seen an anorexic person? S/he is not skinny. They are gaunt, literally skin and bones and unhealthy, like diseased. Now, do I compare you to a oozing pustule? No. I do not. So why are you comparing me to something equally disgusting? I'm skinny. Deal with it!
My next New Year resolution. Anyone who says crap about me being skinny, get ready for some very rude comebacks. I have a LOT of them. They have been repressed far too long. I really don't get how it's okay for a person to go "Oh my gosh you are so skinny" while it's considered beyond rude to say "Oh my gosh you are so fat" Why? We are still commenting on body size. I think I shall do that from now. When someone says "Why are you so skinny?" I will say "Because you are so fat. The universe needs balance."
Now I am done with my rant. Thank you for reading. Do comment. I enjoy reading them. Your comments that is. In case I wasn't clear. :D
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
10 things...
So my friend wrote this in her blog, that is so freaking funny and true that I simply felt that I must share -
1: Microsoft Word and Excel. Piece of crap! Especially the older versions, as they're almost impossible to format.
2: People who don't put the toilet paper on ready and rearing to pull.
3: Those who chew gum. Can not stand the chomping and POPPING! Plus I don't want to see the dang thing rolling around in your mouth!
4: People who eat noisily! Can not stands slurping and sloshing, or licking of fingers! That is a big NO, NO!
5: Cough Etiquette! PLEASE do not give me your change after having a royal fit into the palm of your hand. You have a shoulder. Use it. Cough into it. And for goodness sakes turn your head. I don't need to be contaminated with your fungal infection.
6: People who tail gate me when I am already illegally driving above the speed limit! Damn brother. You push my buttons. It is flipping annoying!
7: Those who decide to get their lawn mowed RIGHT ON 7AM!! Lord it is always the day I can sleep in!
8: Smokers...urgh when I get a massive whiff of your ex-inhaled smoke. It sits in my lungs and I can feel the tar sticking.
9: Bus drivers! So many of them are such arses, and their always late, or freakn early! I swear the amount of time I have wasted waiting for buses.
10: Telephone calls. We get 20+ at home. And they're ALWAYS FOR MY BROTHER or some retard trying to sell me DRAIN REPAIR!
Here are mine -
1) I detest people who sniff!! Go blow your nose!
2) People who cannot hang up! The whole "You hang up first" thing makes me want to chuck your phone into the loo!
3) Oye you noisy chewers, shut your mouth! I do not want to hear that smacking. I do not want to see food rolling about! I'd like to keep my apetite!
4) People who curse cause you think it's cool! It is not cool! It is crude and rude!
5) People who stare. What, you've never seen a woman in your life? Yeah I'm tall and thin, get over it!
6) Do NOT pet my dog without asking me! I will get my other imaginary dog that rival Cujo and set him on you if you pet my baby without my consent.
7) The loud talking on the phone. I do not want to know what's going on. Your life is of no interest to me. Either lower your voice or go to a soundproof room!
8) You lil kids, don't call me aunty because I'm taller. I am not related to you and I am not old!
9) Please get that if I do not answer your call, reply to your messages and tell you to get lost, I mean it. Do not call me, text me, wave hi on the road, because I want nothing to do with you. Get it?
10) Finally, the thing I hate most is a recorded call in the middle of the afternoon when I'm napping! Stop calling me! Harrassment.
There. Not as funnily written, but I do have 10 things! My friend is at http://alinatherantingllama.blogspot.com
1: Microsoft Word and Excel. Piece of crap! Especially the older versions, as they're almost impossible to format.
2: People who don't put the toilet paper on ready and rearing to pull.
3: Those who chew gum. Can not stand the chomping and POPPING! Plus I don't want to see the dang thing rolling around in your mouth!
4: People who eat noisily! Can not stands slurping and sloshing, or licking of fingers! That is a big NO, NO!
5: Cough Etiquette! PLEASE do not give me your change after having a royal fit into the palm of your hand. You have a shoulder. Use it. Cough into it. And for goodness sakes turn your head. I don't need to be contaminated with your fungal infection.
6: People who tail gate me when I am already illegally driving above the speed limit! Damn brother. You push my buttons. It is flipping annoying!
7: Those who decide to get their lawn mowed RIGHT ON 7AM!! Lord it is always the day I can sleep in!
8: Smokers...urgh when I get a massive whiff of your ex-inhaled smoke. It sits in my lungs and I can feel the tar sticking.
9: Bus drivers! So many of them are such arses, and their always late, or freakn early! I swear the amount of time I have wasted waiting for buses.
10: Telephone calls. We get 20+ at home. And they're ALWAYS FOR MY BROTHER or some retard trying to sell me DRAIN REPAIR!
Here are mine -
1) I detest people who sniff!! Go blow your nose!
2) People who cannot hang up! The whole "You hang up first" thing makes me want to chuck your phone into the loo!
3) Oye you noisy chewers, shut your mouth! I do not want to hear that smacking. I do not want to see food rolling about! I'd like to keep my apetite!
4) People who curse cause you think it's cool! It is not cool! It is crude and rude!
5) People who stare. What, you've never seen a woman in your life? Yeah I'm tall and thin, get over it!
6) Do NOT pet my dog without asking me! I will get my other imaginary dog that rival Cujo and set him on you if you pet my baby without my consent.
7) The loud talking on the phone. I do not want to know what's going on. Your life is of no interest to me. Either lower your voice or go to a soundproof room!
8) You lil kids, don't call me aunty because I'm taller. I am not related to you and I am not old!
9) Please get that if I do not answer your call, reply to your messages and tell you to get lost, I mean it. Do not call me, text me, wave hi on the road, because I want nothing to do with you. Get it?
10) Finally, the thing I hate most is a recorded call in the middle of the afternoon when I'm napping! Stop calling me! Harrassment.
There. Not as funnily written, but I do have 10 things! My friend is at http://alinatherantingllama.blogspot.com
Monday, January 4, 2010
Sourroundings
The last 2 weeks have been agony for some people, well a lot of people. Everyone around me maybe.. And sometimes I feel like the negativity is smothering me. Yeah, I'm really sorry your lives suck, but unless it's something serious, please shut up! Like I don't care if your mother wont make you food when you get home, like get it yourself! Whatever!
It's frustrating when people whine about asinine issues in the same volume as people with real issues! I've heard stories about being locked out of your door for an hour, and this was said in the tone that the world is coming to an end, while a really good friend saw her dreams come apart in one long blow. That is something important, not being shut out of your house for an hour!
Sorry, I think I've been whined to too much and my life is going perfectly well!!! I have nice things to look forward to and I feel myself sinking into a depression cause EVERYONE around me is a freaking whine-o!!! Pick your issues people!
There I needed to get that out! Now, I spent NYE at home, rang it in with fresh strawberry daiquiri and my mum and friends from Germany and France (Go msn/skype!!!). Now this was a really nice way to ring it in, but I did get the wierd looks, the "maybe she doesn't have friends" and whatever. All I can say is look at your life before judging mine, just because I do not want to spend it with people I don't know and drink myself comatose, does not mean I am not cool. Boo!
My German friend is coming in March!!! I'm super duper freaking excited for this!!! I cannot wait for her to come! Then, in less than 2 months I will officailly be one of them oldies! Not looking forward to that. Gonna let my birthday slide and then kick it up in NYC and LA :D
I fell quite badly on Sunday. It was a funny thing. I was carrying my dog, talking quite animatedly to her (which I do often) and I tripped. if I wasn't carrying her, I could have easily recovered (year of tripping training, I now possess God like recovery skills), but since I was carrying a 14 kilo dog, I tipped forward and tall me came crashing down. I skinned my elbow real bad and happily fainted at the sight of blood. The fun ended there.
Now, though the wound is much better and doesn't hurt, it BURNS like the fires of hell, or how I assume the fires of hell would burn, when stretched or if anything comes in contact with it. I also know how my elbow will look if I put on about 20 kilos. It's swollen and I keep forgetting this so I keep hitting my desk at work! Ouch!
My coworker got a tattoo! I really want one, but no way am I willing to go through any pain! When laser tattoos are invented, I will be the first to get it! Till then, henna is my best friend!
I think I've rambled, ranted and entertained enough for this post. Happy New Year folks! <3
It's frustrating when people whine about asinine issues in the same volume as people with real issues! I've heard stories about being locked out of your door for an hour, and this was said in the tone that the world is coming to an end, while a really good friend saw her dreams come apart in one long blow. That is something important, not being shut out of your house for an hour!
Sorry, I think I've been whined to too much and my life is going perfectly well!!! I have nice things to look forward to and I feel myself sinking into a depression cause EVERYONE around me is a freaking whine-o!!! Pick your issues people!
There I needed to get that out! Now, I spent NYE at home, rang it in with fresh strawberry daiquiri and my mum and friends from Germany and France (Go msn/skype!!!). Now this was a really nice way to ring it in, but I did get the wierd looks, the "maybe she doesn't have friends" and whatever. All I can say is look at your life before judging mine, just because I do not want to spend it with people I don't know and drink myself comatose, does not mean I am not cool. Boo!
My German friend is coming in March!!! I'm super duper freaking excited for this!!! I cannot wait for her to come! Then, in less than 2 months I will officailly be one of them oldies! Not looking forward to that. Gonna let my birthday slide and then kick it up in NYC and LA :D
I fell quite badly on Sunday. It was a funny thing. I was carrying my dog, talking quite animatedly to her (which I do often) and I tripped. if I wasn't carrying her, I could have easily recovered (year of tripping training, I now possess God like recovery skills), but since I was carrying a 14 kilo dog, I tipped forward and tall me came crashing down. I skinned my elbow real bad and happily fainted at the sight of blood. The fun ended there.
Now, though the wound is much better and doesn't hurt, it BURNS like the fires of hell, or how I assume the fires of hell would burn, when stretched or if anything comes in contact with it. I also know how my elbow will look if I put on about 20 kilos. It's swollen and I keep forgetting this so I keep hitting my desk at work! Ouch!
My coworker got a tattoo! I really want one, but no way am I willing to go through any pain! When laser tattoos are invented, I will be the first to get it! Till then, henna is my best friend!
I think I've rambled, ranted and entertained enough for this post. Happy New Year folks! <3
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