Bucket List - 30

1) Write an article on LinkedIn.
2) Learn a new language.
3) Volunteer more at the Shelter.
4) Visit Europe.
5) Do not turn 30.
6) Travel once a month.
7) Eat a new cuisine once a month.
8) Write an essay. Publish it on Medium.
9) Write more in general.
10) Meet friends once a month.
11) Value relationships and put more effort in them.
12) Stop spending money on clothes.
13) Learn how to put on make-up.
14) Colour hair purple.
15) Watch new TV shows and more movies.
16) Finish writing Taleyfaire with Suppu.
17) Stop taking family for granted.
18) Stop crushing on unavailable people!!!!
19) Learn how to drive.
20) Get Baileys – Mint and chocolate.
21) Give up cheese.
22) Go on picnics.
23) Go back to theatre.
24) Give up Facebook.
25) See snow.
26) Learn to play a sport.
27) Sing Karaoke – completely sober.
28) Host more games nights.
29) Stop freaking out about 30.
30) DO NOT get chased by animals.

This Odd Place

I feel low. I have had friends tell this to me, when they’re going through one of life’s many challenges or when everything seems to be going perfectly fine. It’s just a thing that happens, when the serotonin and oxytocin levels in your body dip. Okay, I have no clue if it is chemical or hormonal; I just wanted to show off my Rizzoli and Isles watching skills.

But yes, you just dip. Your mood just dips, you notice more negative than positive, you tend to feel despair even if things don’t affect you directly, you just feel not happy when you’re doing nothing, like you don’t want to cry or anything, but smiling doesn’t come that easily. It’s like you have this urge to keep doing something, to not think about stuff or otherwise, lock yourself up in a dark room and eat your way through all the ice cream in this world. You tend make an extra effort to be cheerful when you interact with people, because fake it till you make it right? Maybe you come off as a little creepy (because no one is *that* upbeat), but a small price to pay for happiness, you tell yourself.

Now, I am facing this dip. I have distracted friends, I have told stories, gone out, listened when they talked. But somehow, I don’t feel like picking up the phone and saying hey, I feel low. Never knew that three words could be so hard to say. I guess it’s hard because it’s not like there is some big tragedy going on in my life, my life is smooth sailing (please don’t let this be a jinx) right now. Nothing great or amazing, but nothing horrible either. Quite unremarkable, really. I think it’s difficult to comprehend this mood swing for me because I am the kind of person that is ruled by logic. It does not make sense!

I just celebrated Dolly’s first year anniversary, which was amazing, it’s not PMS, I have great friends, a nice job and good colleagues, I’m healthy, I’m not in a fight with my mum or family, I have no body image issues or anything else that is “supposed” to plague me. So this whole low thing, I don’t get it and it’s frustrating.

There has been so much said on mental health, and taking time to understand and all that. And sometimes that is scary! One in 4 has depression. One in 5 has anxiety. Is this the new normal? How sad is that; that we’ve driven ourselves with all the pressure we’ve put on ourselves to get to this point! Also, it makes self-diagnosing so easy! Some 30 articles on “5 signs you have depression”. What rubbish. Just because a person gets low, does not mean they are clinically depressed! Just because someone is stressed, doesn’t mean they have anxiety! Sometimes I feel like I just need to push back on this pressure almost to have something wrong with you, because now, it’s weird if you don’t have some mental illness afflicting you or if you’re not seeing a therapist! Now, please if you’re reading this don’t go on a trip about how I’m ignorant about mental health. I’m not.

I feel like it’s stupid articles like this that make me get all hyper about the fact that I’m feeling a little low. As if I’m not hyper enough already! I’ve put a ridiculous amount of pressure on myself because I turned 30, and my life isn’t exactly the way I planned it. Yeah, I know it’s stupid, and 30 is just a number, “life starts at 30”, and all of that other stuff everybody has said to me. I know it, but that sense of pressure and mild disappointment is still there. It didn’t turn out like I dreamed. I know it’s unrealistic and almost nothing goes as planned, but still. It’s there, that huh.. feeling.

Funnily enough though, I don’t feel lesser than any of my friends who’ve led different lives and made different choices. I don’t feel embarrassed of where I am today, or feel like I’ve got no accomplishments or life sucks or whatever. It’s just very, very different from what I expected at 15.

Now after writing this (oh so cathartic), I feel like I need a day with my dog, watching absolute rubbish, with my girlfriends, cribbing about all the non-existent issues in life and to get off Facebook. That thing can really mindf*** you!

So now that is my plan. This weekend, I will give my dog a bath and a massage, I will hang out with my friends, I will watch Beauty and the Beast, I will sing loudly in the shower and today, I will deactivate my Facebook and look forward to a happier day.

The countdown to 30!

So today, I started the countdown to 30. Four months. That seems like very little time to scramble to fulfill life goals that I can do in my twenties. All those articles of 20 things to do in your 20s or whatever, all of them are vividly clear in my head. I am active on Snapchat, trolling Tinder, going to Goa for the weekend, making spontaneous trips to Singapore to meet friends, bunking work because I don’t feel like working, having a friendly relationship with my boss and not having that weird awkward gap between your boss and you (not that this takes away from the utter respect I have for him), sharing all kinds of crap on Facebook, being active on Whatsapp groups, making drinking plans with friends on the fly, avoiding family on festivals, taking solo vacations with my dog, eating pizza for breakfast, breakfast for dinner, spontaneous shopping (like at least Rs. 5,000 worth) and not having a panic attack later, basically crossing off everything I think 20 somethings should be doing. I even drank alcohol on a Tuesday and felt only a little guilty about it.

Sometimes I panic that I’m not doing everything my counterparts are doing. I’m not getting married or in a long term relationship (or any relationship for that matter) and I don’t intend to procreate. And most of all, I panic because I don’t feel like I need to do these things. I’m fast reaching the “shelf” so to speak and will be of unmarriageable age in four months (according to society at least). I also have seen friends who yearn for that special someone or who succumb to societal/parental pressure to get married or who use the phrase “my ovaries are exploding” at the sight of a cute baby/toddler. I am doing neither. I seem to be the happiest when I’m single; I love my unpredictable life with a whole world of opportunity, independence to be able to pick and choose what I want! I get into fights on Facebook because I fully support having rows on planes that are child free! Mostly though, on a daily basis, I love coming home to an empty house, playing music and dancing around. I want to travel for work and not have to think about anyone else (apart from my dog) and be able to say yes to all opportunities knocking on my door.

Let’s face it; I have about another 10-15 years of this kind of freedom, with no dependencies or obligations. I say 10-15 years because I’m pretty sure at 45, I’d like to have a steady job, a nice apartment, a dog and my mum living with me (mostly to dog sit while I work). But I think I would like the predictable, steady life.

Is it wrong? Is it okay to be happy and not stressed? Is it okay to be satisfied with life, because I’m finally in the place I’ve always dreamed of? A good career, great people to work with, fantastic bosses, amazing friends (who I love to death), doing decently financially, in a good place with familial relationships, opportunities to travel or not and most of all, a fantabulous, super-duper awesome doggie in my life. Is it wrong to say no, I don’t want this to change? I don’t want to add more variables into this? Maybe now I’m too practical, I’m very well informed of the pros and the cons of being in a relationship, or being a mother. Maybe I will change my mind later, like my mum says, Never Say Never. 

Yes, there are days where I wish I did have someone, but honestly, with full introspection, like 97% of the time, I don’t. Not in the way I’m like thank the universe I don’t have someone, but in the way that it doesn’t even occur to me to want to have that person.

I remember as a child, thinking at 30, I’d have a fabulous life with a career, a husband and 2 children (both girls and I have names ready too, yes, Buffy and Xena). 30 seemed so grown up and “settled” (how much I despise that word). Today, I try to convince my friends kids to refer to me as Romy (none of this aunty business because I jolly well don’t feel like one) and the good children in the building to call me Dolly didi and NOT Dolly aunty. Please no. I am not auntified. An aunty is someone who is put together, who cooks and cleans and runs after her kids, who balances relationships at home and at work, who irons clothes that she wears… I am that someone who wakes up and decides what to wear after my shower, who buys underwear because I have run out of them as I haven’t done laundry in the longest time, who laughs out loud and curses, who is not the least “put together”. I am someone who still fangirls and squeals and doesn’t know how to handle idiots. I’m that girl who still has MILES to go before she sleeps (the lists and lists in the numerous buckets!). Not that I don’t love sleep. I can sleep 16 hours of the day.

Am I ready to turn 30? With all the connotations to it? And don’t say stuff like age is just a number, or it only has what you apply to it or whatever. Yeah, if you live a hippy lifestyle in the forests, the deer and the trees don’t care if you’re 30 or 300. I live in society as an active and functioning member, and I will be judged. People will question and ponder and discuss my life and decisions at the water cooler at work or over tea and samosas with their neighbours/relatives. Because that’s what people do. They will wonder what is wrong with me as I’m 30 and not married. They will wonder why I’m so happy when obviously things are tragically not working out for me. They will give me advice to freeze my eggs in case I want children later in life. They will then whisper that I want children so badly, but because I have no husband, I consider my dog (oh the scandal) as my child. They will whisper of the many affairs I will allegedly have. They will say that the only reason I’m doing well is because I have no husband or children. They will call me a ball busting bitch and say it’s because I don’t have a man in my life to teach me my place. They will say no man wants me because I’m such a ball busting bitch. They will feel sorry for my mother and grandmother because I’m so obviously dashing their hopes and dreams for me (let us all forget that all a parent wants is for their child to be happy and healthy at the end of the day).

They will feel envious when I call my boss from the Andamans and tell him I’m not coming in today. They will feel envious when I leave early to go see a play with my boss (not realising that they can also). They will feel envious when I go out drinking with my friends and have no one to answer to. They will feel envious when I book my trip to see the Northern Lights in Iceland while they save to pay for their children’s school. They will feel envious when I post pictures of my dog and me on the beach with not a care in the world. They will be envious when I get a promotion. They will be envious when I post photos of me at my best friend’s wedding, being truly happy for them.

They will be so busy looking at my life, not knowing that they have a kick ass life themselves, only that it’s different from mine. They will not understand that I am missing out on the joy of watching a human being learn and grow, of always having a partner to go for a movie with, of never being alone, of having someone in your corner all the time, of having someone to blame (for not paying the electricity bill or to say they are sick so I need a day off), of having someone take care of you when you need it. I am missing out. On these and a whole lot more.

The only difference between me and them is that I’m okay with it. I’m okay with missing out, because I choose to look at what I have and go with that instead. That I am making my own decisions (that I jolly well may regret later or change my mind on entirely and laugh and laugh at this blog post) but I will be content in the fact that these are currently MY decisions.

At the end of it, do I feel ready for 30? Do I feel ready to face society’s expectations of a 30 year old Tambram Indian girl? Do I feel ready to either live up to their expectations or not and be okay with it either way? I don’t know.

Right now though, I’m focused on the next thing on my bucket list of things to do in my twenties – visiting my friend in a foreign country.

You know when...

This is not particularly creative, but definitely relatable. This is a list of "You know when..." that I've said and that my friends have said. These are all unfortunately real life situations.

1) You know when you're stuck writing a technical document, want to do something different, so you glance up to see if your boss is at her seat. Then in her absence, you pull up your blog post and start writing and shriek when you hear your boss laughing at you from behind because she's reading it over your shoulder? Yeah. So much for being stealthy!

2) You know when someone says the name of your crush at work and you get whiplash from looking up too fast? Yeah, way to be obvious!

3) You know when you're so sleep deprived that you put Odomos on your toothbrush instead of toothpaste? Well, your teeth never got bitten by mosquitoes!

4) You know when your dog tries to wake you up and you try to play dead, and then she steps on a particularly sensitive area and you're all "I'M AWAKE!!" Really. Never woken up faster!

5) You know when you forget that your global CEO is in town for a visit and then wear shiny rhinestone jeans on a Friday and then try not to laugh at the horrified look that the Client Relations Manager is giving you as you bump into them on the stairs? Well, at least the CEO said "Nice jeans!"

6) You know when you're half blind and you shriek at the sight of an auntie's child because you've mistaken it for a dog and you're petrified of them? Yes, your mum's never been prouder of you!

7) You know when you read an email at work asking for your help, but you cannot for the life of you understand the English, but the person who sent it is senior and you can't say anything? Gives a new meaning to winging it.

8) You know when you're in your 20s and the ridiculously good looking Chief Marketing Officer is in town and you're in the lift with him and all you can do is grin like an idiot? I'm sure he thought you were indeed an idiot. Congratulations.

9) You know when you've had a really hard day and you need a hard drink and whip out a Pepsi? You da man!

10) You know when you put your foot in your mouth when a colleague trying to make conversation with you says "Babies are just like dogs" and you say "Don't insult dogs!" and realise 3 seconds later that she has a baby and was trying to be friendly? Yes, you'll are definitely besties now!

11) You know when you have the 4th most read blog in the company with more than 10,000 blogs and are super excited about it until people start considering you as a Knowledge Management expert and come to you with questions? Hello Google!

12) You know when you sit in on a call with international partakers and desperately try to understand their accents and fail miserably? "Can you please send me an email regarding this?"

13) You know when you're stalking someone online and accidentally like their picture? Yeah you totally knew them in 2007!

14) You know when you're so bored in a meeting and so close to falling asleep that you have to use a Vicks Inhaler to jolt you awake and you inhale a little too hard? Oh yeah, these numbers on the quarterly report totally has me in tears.

15) You know when your child can't say "tuh" and says "fuh" instead and then on the road says loudly "dum*uck" for dump truck? No, we do not run that kind of household.

Earworms

Have you ever had an earworm and then have the theme of that song follow you through the day? Making sure that it never ever went out of your head, no matter how many times you listened to Poker Face or to Hallelujah or even to Bye Bye Bye. It was annoying. Over the weekend, I woke up to the very annoying Rude Boy by Rihanna ringing in my head.

Come here rude boy, boy
Can you get it up
Come here rude boy, boy
Is you big enough

Well. This first stanza just totally started my day. I made a quick dash to the grocery store that morning, humming this and then being disgusted with myself, to buy some eggs. I had never bought eggs in that grocery store before so I had no idea where they were kept. When I couldn't find them, I asked the person running the grocery store and he took me down an aisle and bent down. I followed his body movement subconsciously to see where the eggs were. BIG MISTAKE. I was treated to the glorious view of his oversized behind and butt-crack - plumber style. Is you big enough? Yeah. Too big. Un-freaking-avoidably so. Why me? Why that day? Whyyyyyy with that hideous song playing in my head?

I wa-wa-want
What you wa-wa-want
Give it to me baby
Like boom boom boom

I went for a walk in the night with my awesome twosome and they are quite vary if strangers and dogs while on walks. By vary,  I of course mean they bark, growl, lunge and generally threaten to attack. Now, there is also a person in my building with a rather large dog. We've had run-ins before and I always talk to them to calm down, to not bark when they see this very large dog, but I'm obviously interrupted by the two terrors who always, always decide that they can take the giant in a fight. I swear sometimes I wonder if they are David and see this giant as their Goliath!

Don't they understand that if this dog chooses to attack we'd all be goner?  I'm so glad that this dog doesn't wa-wa-want what these guys wa-wa-want!

Now another thing - I hate cricket and especially loathe it when india wins because firecrackers. Boom boom boom. I personally have no fondness for the noise and dislike it more when I need to calm a dog that is petrified and another that is ready to go to war! I truly wish they would bam firecrackers along with everything else that the government sees as unfit for Indians?

All I can say is that the next time I wake up with this song stuck in my head, I'm rolling over, going back to sleep and waking up the next day!