Inspiration at a road block

It’s not every day that you meet people who inspire you. When asked “who is your biggest inspiration?” I automatically reply with “My mother.” And it’s true, like for most people, my mother truly does inspire me. But, there are actually very few people in this world, who are not your mother, who make you sit up and think. Think over their words, admire their courage, and make you believe in things that you’ve kind of always known, you’ve been told, but may not actually believe.

There is a rather large difference between knowing and believing. Sure, you know that you tend to survive, somehow, what life throws at you, but do you honestly believe that you will? Tomorrow, if your worst fears are realised, do you believe that you are actually strong enough to survive? That you have the drive to push through and come out the other side, still positive and not as some jaded shadow of what you were? Because giving up is so easy. And honestly, when life goes to shit, it’s so easy to switch off and blame the bad hand you were dealt.

It takes a whole other person to actually pick up, dust off and start over. My mother did that, and for that I am truly grateful. I wouldn’t be who I am or where I am today if she hadn’t.

I don’t know if I have that strength to stick it out and see it through. This is one of my biggest fears, where I feel like I will let myself down when push comes to shove. I know that there have been times when I’ve been stuck and I’ve fled the situation and avoided it completely and others where I’ve gritted my teeth and held on. But in the long run, I also know that in the “fight or flight” syndrome, I definitely, mostly opt for flight. While I don’t judge if this is right or wrong, I sometimes wonder if I have the strength to fight when I can’t run anymore.

I caught up with my friend’s mother for a short while the other day and she made me rethink a whole lot of things in my life. We spoke about her journey, where at 42, her life went in a whole different direction from what she had planned. She had to start over and has done so with such grace and strength.

When I thought of what I would do, or how I would react when put in a position like that, after believing life would be a certain way for so long, I can only hope that I will have at least some of her strength. She never let ego get in the way and lives her life like it’s a “matter of fact” thing which is astounding. I feel like she should be shouting it from the rooftops – the amount she’s accomplished! To me, as she recounted her story, I was blown away by the fact that only her belief in herself and her confidence that it would all work out in the end got her through. Her determination to make her life work, even after everything, is something to be admired.

Having your life thrown upside down is cause for panic, cause for destruction and just, cause for losing it on a whole new level. I cannot imagine the stress that she must have gone through, and it makes the issues I face on a daily basis quite trivial.

On Friday, I had panicked because in my head, nothing seemed to be working out. I was questioning where my life was going, if I was headed down any kind of road, let alone the right or wrong one and what I had been doing for the past 27 years! What did I have to show for it and where would I be when I hit 30 soon. When I was younger, I thought I would have my life fairly figured out at 30, but today, 2 years and 3 months away, I am completely clueless. It kind of gets to you when you think your life is in a limbo. You see your friends moving on, getting married, going abroad, doing PhDs – having some kind of definition, at least in a social context. It freaked me out because I don’t see any definition in my life right now. Yes, personally, I am happy and I’m not moping around with “what ifs” and “but thens”, but it still made an impact. It is a weird kind of despair, when you have no regrets with all decisions you’ve taken, but you still don’t like where you’re at right now.  

I met my friend’s mother the next day (so well timed) and I feel inspired again, to go after what I want, to think things through and to know that this is not the end of the world. I have never had to face such change, I have never had to start over, and I’ve never had to redefine myself like she did. I have led quite a comfortable and cushy life, filled with joy and love.

I now believe that it is never too late to define your life, there is no particular time to decide that X would be it for the next 60 years. Dreams, whatever they may be, have no expiration date. There is no need to get hung up about what society thinks and for me to have a definite answer for “where do you see yourself in the next two years”.  It’s incredible that she has the strength to see the light beyond the brick wall, and to be positive and confident that there is a happily ever after, even after a particular book ends. She inspires me to believe in that, and more importantly, to make it happen with determination and work.

After thought: It’s amazing how the universe sends the right people, with the right words, at the right point in life. 

The break and the reunion

As an experiment, I took a break from Facebook and deactivated my account for about five months. I just wanted to see what my life would be like when it didn't revolve around knowing what other people were doing and trying to share that my life was also cool.

My life is tame. It is a very normal, everyday, mundane life which I love and take comfort in. It gives me a weird thrill to make it sound cooler, to make it slightly exotic, to make the everyday klutz sound like I am the funniest thing that ever happened in the history of the universe. I gave up all that. I gave up a part of what I felt so strongly about.

At first, I felt disconnected, to life, my social circle, my daily routine and felt quite idiotic in conversations because I had no clue what people were talking about. I didn't know what to do when I was waiting for someone, or bored at work. Then, I learnt to let it go, and honestly, not care about some person who I had gone to school with ten years ago, but never spoke to. Like really, what was the great loss?

Then, I realised that my biggest fear of losing my social circle (yes, I like to socialise) was quite unfounded. I still managed to go out, I still hung out with the same people before the break and after the break. I read a lot more, I made an effort to email people, call them, text them. I took comfort in the fact that I didn't need validation, people didn't need to know that I had gone to this place and ate that food. It was okay,

I guess the only difference was that I missed out on some updates and being tagged doing my cool things. I missed the Ice Bucket challenge because my friends used Facebook to challenge each other. In all honesty, it's not a great loss for me. I missed some songs, videos and articles but nothing much really.

I loved that some people who are close to me noticed my lack of updates, but mostly no one else did. It showed me how trivial it all was. Something that I genuinely spent time on, something that took up mental effort when I could have been sleeping was quite worthless in the long run. I love that two people actually took time out and wrote an email to me, which made me feel so good cause it's nice to know that you are actively thought about! Thanks Kate and Aunt Lori :) Love you both!

During my Facebook absence, I noticed that I got more active on Twitter and Instagram. This makes me wonder if the need to be connected and the need to share is a part of my personality or if it's just my generation? I enjoyed the break from Facebook because I kinda caught up with my Twitter friends a little more and took more pictures for my Instagram.

I activated my Facebook account last week, and the first thing I saw was a profile picture of some dude shirtless, showing off his abs and I was like um.. maybe I need to deactivate it again. But then, the convenience of it, the easiness of getting in touch with people outweighed my hesitation on being a part of the Facebook world again. But I think, this time around, it won't consume my life again. At least I hope so!

I read an interesting article on Buzzfeed by Lana Parker, about being honest on Instagram, or social media if you look at it in the broad perspective, and it kinds reminded me of how much there is a need to be cool, a need to be seen and have people "like" and comment on a status or a picture. That validation that you are socially "awesome" is so inbuilt.

A part of me recognises that idiotic need for validation, that happiness when you get a post that you picture/status has been liked or commented on, that constant watch to see what you think is cool, and what you perceive that other people think is cool. But that really doesn't stop me from spending time thinking of a caption, thinking of hashtags, trying to come up with a status that is both unique and relatable at the same time.

I again wonder of the need for validation is conditioned by social media today or if I was always this way when I didn't even have a computer, I console myself that I'm at least consciously this way. I now wonder if the break has made any difference in my life and way of thinking, or if I go back to checking in and being "cool".  

Being generous in conversation

Around the beginning of this year, my mum told me something about being generous in my conversation. I looked at her quite in the "What on Earth are you talking about?" manner and waited for her to explain. A lot of people like to talk, talk about themselves, about their accomplishments, and sometimes, like you and me, they like to exaggerate. I love exaggeration. I have this whole blog to prove that. I realised, that while I am given the privilege of exaggeration in my writing, many times, I'm cut off or corrected while speaking. Especially when narrating a story. And the story is funny. It's so annoying. Or when you get excited over something like your crush paying you a compliment and then suddenly someone tells you that they like someone else, or they're just being complimentary and it means nothing. So what if your crush likes someone else, it's just nice to soak in that moment and feel excited about it. It would be nicer if that person let you have your moment.

Well, one thing I realised after my mum and I had that conversation is that people like to shut others down as soon as possible, and that I was also one of those people. As much as I hated it being done to me, I was also equally being a part of the shut down crew. I was quite appalled at my behaviour and more so of the fact that I hadn't noticed! Sure, there are some people who need to be shut up, but there are so many of us who just like telling a story, gushing over a boy, meeting a celebrity, going to a concert or whatever else. Enough of this one-up thing that people do, that I sometimes do. It's not fun competition, its exhausting and so self involved. 

I'm trying to be generous, to let others speak and let them have their moments. It's so hard when you've been so conditioned to compete for attention, to make yourself as "cool" as the person speaking and unfortunately, almost conditioned to climb up by bringing the other person down. It sucks that we're a part of a society that is like this. I'm not palming off the blame, I think I'm smart enough to know the difference and make my own decisions.

The other day, I read a tweet about someone being so excited because they spotted a Lynx in their backyard, and then someone else saying "Oh, I see them all the time." Isn't that sad? Like why don't people reply with "OMG That's so cool" or "Did you get a picture?" or something that makes the other person feel good about themselves? I'm also kicking myself because I didn't reply. 

I thought I was getting quite good at being conscious of my reactions and reacting positively, but a couple months ago when my cousin visited, he managed to pick up my cat, who was famous for being unfriendly. When he told my mum this excitedly, I chimed in saying "Oh yeah, only for a few seconds." Now what was the need for this, why did I have to say something like that, why couldn't I just let my cousin be happy, because it WAS a huge deal to have picked Cinnamon up! I later realised what I had done and dear lord hindsight is really 20/20!

Celebrities like Taryn Manning and Sophia Bush have said things like this, people ahve liked it and wholeheartedly agreed with them on their instagrams. But honestly, are people really understanding the value of being nice, of being supportive?

I know I still have a long way to go, but I think it's important that people are generous in their conversation, Let people have their moments and encourage positivity. I'm hoping that if you, whoever you are, do read this post, you at least think about how you react, be honest with yourself and either change or continue with the positivity :) 

Compromise

Compromise. It seems like a word that haunts my every breathing moment. Give and take. I say haunts, because it is in human nature (mine definitely) to take, not give. If I could just take, wouldn't that be amazing? The last few months have been full of compromise for me, personally and professionally. This leaves me debating all the time if I've done the right thing. Questioning if this is better than that or is it the other way around? If I've made huge mistakes because in this stupid stage in life, my decisions are life decisions, not just random should I wear red or blue today kind of decisions.

I moved out. I now have my own space that I share with only one other creature. My cat. I love the freedom of coming home, playing music, eating and sleeping when I want, not having people I may not know over. I love that I can have people over when I want, be as loud or as quiet as I want. Have my own place where I can sing bad karaoke and not be afraid of being made fun of. But then, I also miss the companionship of a roommate, of coming back after a bad day at work and having someone to talk to, of watching movies, drinking wine and giggling together. Of talking about boys, Ian Somerhadler and  if what Alex Vause did is perfectly justified, of saying bye in the mornings. I guess when I've experienced life with a roommate, then living alone is also an experience that I can't deny. But is it right if I miss the other life sometimes? Is that natural?

I've been wanting to travel, go somewhere for a very long time. Years in fact. I had my heart set on Cambodia, but I also know that I want to go to LA and NYC next year and maybe even Vegas if time/money permits. Those are also on my list. So now, I've chosen swallow that horrible feeling of despair as I watch all my friends travel and save up for next year. Sometimes, you wonder if you're going to go anywhere in your life as you see all the pictures on Facebook of people travelling, those insanely irritating links of why you should travel and not save, of living in the moment and all that crap. I wish I could be comfortable travelling on another person's (hi mommy) dime, but then, I realise, it's guilt free when you travel on your own. No obligations, it's your money, spend it the way you want, doing what you want.

It's been a really hard decision to take, ending in nights where I get frustrated and scream, but I guess it's a part of life. Money is a part of life. Everyone doesn't get what they want. I don't have the battle of fighting my parents on my daily decisions, of them nagging me about going out often or having people over, of who I'm hanging out with, what I'm eating or drinking. I get that freedom. Sometimes, I wonder if it's worth it, if I should just pack up, take my, move back into mum's place, save on rent and travel. But then, I look at my house, my friends randomly showing up and last minute dinner plans and feel like I've done the right thing. I am happy.

Professionally, I battled a huge decision where I went from from being proficient in a particular skill, being a team lead, to going back to being the junior most member in a team in terms of skill level, where I have to swallow hard as I get my work reviewed by a person younger than me. I try to think about the new skill I'm gaining and not about the fact that I've basically traded down on the hierarchical career chart. I question if I have indeed "traded down" if I have enough confidence in my abilities to be able to climb up quickly. Is it worth putting in effort to learn new things now, when it's costing me quite a bit? I want to talk to about 20 senior people who've already made these decisions in their lives and get their advice. But then, would that be my decision? Tomorrow, if something goes wrong, or right, would I be able to take accountability or would I say of but so-and-so said... I guess, at this stage,  I feel growing horizontally in terms of skills is of greater importance than the vertical growth. I'm choosing to focus on the fact that I'm at least growing somehow, even though I need to bite my lip when my errors are pointed out. I'm a perfectionist and I loathe being criticized, even though that is normal in the learning process. I get it, but it doesn't stop me from trying to squelch my defensive replies and trying to shut up!

I'm starting to learn that as I grow, compromise is as much a given as is breathing oxygen. From something as small as letting my cat be my snuggle buddy where her fur is in my face and her nails dig into my torso as she clutches my t-shirt and I want to get her off the bed to if I want to trade in sleep for a night out. But as I feel her warm body curled into mine and her happy mews and watching it say 9 hours and 28 minutes when I set my alarm clock, I can sort of see the benefits of "compromise".

PS: I know this is quite brutally honest, but I just needed to get it out!

Ponderings

While I walked down the road to work, I started to cross the road as I saw a couple of cows chilling and munching on some grass under a tree. I stopped myself and stood there, staring at them, thinking back to when the last time was that they chased me. It's been a while for sure, so my fear of cows should have dissipated by now don't you think? So I steeled my nerves and flexed my legs and walked past them. They gave me a stare, but probably because I was acting so strangely. I was ready to run, but nothing happened. I walked by, they munched on their grass and swished their tails. So now, my question is, do cows still have it in for me? Do I let it go or still stay cautious? When do you realise that you're over your fear? Nothing happened this time, but you see, unlike the fear of heights or whatever, the two variables are independent of each other (Look at me speaking statistics language :P). Cows have minds of their own and having something that probably weighs three times more than you come at you is not something you can brush off easily.

Another thing I'm thinking about is that why, though you do the exact same thing either way, do you feel more relaxed when you think you're not being judged. It's like when I had to clean my room and when my mum would watch. I used to get so stressed out, but when she wasn't there, it was so peaceful. Or when your boss isn't at work. Not like you would goof off or not deliver, but somehow, for some reason, it makes a difference. I feel it's easier walking in the same outfit into a room of people you don't know than a room of people you DO know. I feel more aware of what people think of me if I know them. Is it something people can relate to or is it just me and my paranoid brain?

I've finally come to accept that in today's world, appearance does mean something and you are judged on how you look, no matter what moral high-ground the people around claim to be on. If your shoes are scuffed, if your eyebrows aren't threaded, your hairstyle, the clothing, accessories - they all matter, we can sit and try to fight it and fail, or we can accept reality and learn to deal. I learned to pick my fights, change what I can and not try to start the already done hippie movement with the "I don't care" attitude, because I'd be a lying hypocrite. I do care. And I have no qualms admitting it either. I argue with my friend Supriya a lot, who reminds me SO much of a younger me, where the world was perfect and my idealism intact. I look forward to being a part of her journey of changing ideals, values and world views.

As things in my life stay up in the air, I feel excited trying to figure out which piece fits where and how my relationships with various people change, how they shift in my life, some shifting out, some becoming closer. From what I learn and observe, it seems this is going to be the constant in life, where things are never settled, where you'll never be able to say with certainty that you'll be doing XYZ for the next two years, unlike school and college, where you at least had a rough idea of where you would be. I see the uncertainty with people a few years older than me, single, married or parents, with people in my mother's generation and even with my grandparents. It's like navigating Hogwarts with the ever changing staircases, only knowing where you are when you're on that particular staircase!

All I know now, is that I come with cat. And I love her to distraction.

Freaked!

You know one day when you just wake up and realise that things aren't the same? Yesterday, I freaked out. I woke up and realised that in a week, I would be 27 years old. TWENTY SEVEN YEARS OLD. I would have been on this planet, leading this life for 27 years. What do I have to show for that? What have I learned? I look at people around me, younger than me, who know who they are, what they're doing, where they're going. I hugged my monkey closer, realising that people 10 years younger than me had written books, founded and sold companies, had record deals, careers and I was staring at my ceiling in the dark, listening to my heart thud loudly.

When I was younger, 27 year olds had their shit figured out. They didn't call it shit because they knew what it freaking was. I don't even know that! My friends my age are either married, getting engaged or even having babies. I know that it's not the be all and end all to get married and pop tiny humans out of you, but they know what their lives are!!! People who have high powered careers, they know what direction their life is going. People my age are singers, actors, painters, lawyers, doctors - they have definition. I have a friend Darren, who did his MBA and is now exploring the world of sound engineering. He has a life path AND a back up option and he is only 23. Sheesh.

People ask me "what do you do?" I say I work at so and so place, but that's it. That is what I do??? What happened to the dreamer that I was? How do I explain what happened to me to the 16 year old me? That in the last ten years, I've basically amounted to no great accomplishments. My name is not carved anywhere, that I'm merely one of the many average sheep, nothing distinguishing me from anyone apart from my name, which I didn't even come up with! I still haven't got it sorted. I don't know what my life is, if I'll have the great, amazing career, if I'll have a zillion kids (read cats and dogs) and chill with them, if I'll travel, if I'll ever find someone to share my life with (read a human). At 27, don't you have to have it all figured out? My mum knew what she was at 27, she was a mother with a career. She knew what she wanted from life.

I don't know if I want a house in the countryside or an apartment in the heart of the city, I don't know if I want to stay in India or move (or with the visa headaches, if I even CAN move), I don't know if I want the career I have now to last me till I retire or if I want to switch, I don't know if I want to continue writing, am I even skilled at this? When people ask me about my skills, I say I can write. Every literate person can write. What does that even mean? What can I write? Can you call writing a talent? Then shouldn't walking be a talent? Maybe next time I can say I can walk when people as me what my skills are! I can't sing, can't dance, can't paint. What can I offer this world? How do I make my mother proud of me? She's been through so much for me, and if she can't say "That's my kid" when I accomplish something, what was the point? I can eat my weight in sugar. That can be my accomplishment. Maybe. I need to figure out something awesome and go do it. Pronto.

It's so weird to think that at 16, I was so much more secure about who I was, what I wanted to do and where I wanted to go. Granted it was a pipe dream and quite unrealistic, but I still had some direction. Today, I go to work, I come home to my cat, I meet friends sometimes and I hang with the family on the weekends. This is my life. This is what 10 years of pipe dreams have amounted to. It's like I've become content, content with not knowing, living in the present, feeling happy in the moment. I know it could be a lot worse, but I can't help but feel disappointed in myself that I didn't live up to those grand visions I had ten years ago, that my life is based on contentedness and not vision, drive and chasing the unreal.

I guess I've calmed down while writing this, and I know I don't have any regrets, I wouldn't change the decisions I've taken, but sometimes, I do wish I had done something more daring and not been so safe for so long. Coming into my late twenties is scary, because I have this intense feeling that time is running out, the freedom to pick up, leave and go somewhere, the ability to party till 3am and still be fully functional at work the next day, the ability to eat an entire pizza and not feel it settling in on your tummy and thighs, the will to go play frisbee in the park, to randomly buy new clothes, to try new toothpaste, to run after a bus and not look ridiculous, to laugh loudly, to not know which fork is the salad fork, to have a million freak outs and laugh about them later.. My time is running out and I'm not so sure I know what to do or who I am. I still feel young, where I would much rather go bowling with friends and then to a bar and dance like a fool rather than do champagne brunches in fancy hotels. I guess, I need to separate what I think a 27 year old is to who I am right now because I sure as hell don't match the version in my head! Am I being unrealistic? Is it weird that I'm going to be 27 and I have no clue about anything in this world? 

Romy Luck!

A lot of people would think I'm being quite presumptuous actually naming a type of luck after myself, but if you knew me, you'd know that it is perfectly valid. I call it Romy Luck, when you have such ridiculously bad luck that you're just stunned and can only stare. I mean that movie "Just My Luck" has nothing on you!

I'm not talking about the horrible bad luck, but the luck that you have daily, in everyday situations. You know, like the kind of luck that prevents you from walking into a glass door after a meeting, or the kind that doesn't let you fall so hard in a bus while standing that an old lady gets up to give you her seat. That kind of luck. I truly and firmly believe that I do not possess that.

The other day, I was walking home from work and this giant golden retriever came over to say hi and when I rubbed is head, he jumped on me almost giving me a hug. And I thought "Oh this is nice" until I felt something hot and wet on my knee. Yeah. You got it. The dog PEED on me. Of course. I mean, you don't meet friendly dogs that don't pee on you right? Right. Or it's even more hilarious when you're walking to a coffee shop to catch up with friends and you get stung by a bloody giant red wasp. And your finger swells to twice it's size and it's SO PAINFUL! Like how does that happen????

It would also be the 3 minutes that when you take a break and watch a cat video on YouTube that your boss will appear behind you wanting to talk to you. After you make sure that the boss is busy, and slowly watch it, on a minimized screen. Romy luck is when you see a manhole, see that it's covered, confidently walk around it only to stick your leg into a hole next to the manhole. And of course, you will have a party to go to 2 days later, where you will wear a dress, bloody leg be damned.

It struck me yesterday when, while walking to my bus stop on my way to work, I was singing and I looked up to see my landlady walking towards me. It would totally look like I'm talking to myself. I mean all people are happy when they have loonies renting their homes. Totally. I mean, all the other times that I walk perfectly quietly to work, she doesn't show up. The ONE day that I decide to sing, tadaaaaa, she is there. Sigh.

It is also the tiny things, where the one day that you forget to take your coat and scarf, the crank up the AC at work. I mean, do you really have to know what you would look like as a corpse, with pale skin and blue lips and nails? Sheesh. There are some things in life that I would like to be blissfully unaware of! It would also be the time when you declare "I do not trip" only to fall flat on your face.

My Romy Luck came in strong when I went to a club recently. There I was, minding my own business, laughing at my best friend as she made a fool of herself on the dance floor when this guy comes up to me. He looks okay, t-shirt and jeans. I smile politely and attempt to turn away when he points at his empty glass and then points at my beer, indicating for me to give him some! Like are you freaking SERIOUS! Of course, he would ask me, the most unapproachable person there. I'm just stunned and I stare at him and then my friend before we both say "no!" and walk away. Then I spy him looking at all the glasses on the table, checking for alcohol that people may have left behind. EW!!

Some time passes and we are having a laugh at the dude, and then we hit the dance floor. Suddenly I feel a tap on my shoulder to see the same weird dude asking me to dance!!! I'm like what? Seriously, I know I may not be amazing or all that, but he is psychotic!!! I have standards. After turning him down, I stick to a friend and just stay the hell away from him. The night ends with him going on stage, snatching the microphone from the dude who's performing his gig and yelling "F*ck You! F*ck You! F*ck You!" into it! Like worse than the Kanye West / Taylor Swift moment!!! He was then thrown out after thankfully.

All the while, you're wondering, WHY would he even talk to me in the first place? He didn't talk to anyone else! Of course I would get hit on, to give him more alcohol, not the other way around.

These are just some tiny instances of having Romy Luck. Like the time when I walked into a tree while texting or the time that my cat decided it would be cool to put my earphones in her water bowl.

PS: Is it normal for cats to have an obsession with water where they put their prized possessions / things they like in water bowls? Like their favourite toys, my socks, my earphones, shoelaces, etc?

It would also be the time when you wander up and down a road that holds Bangalore's biggest clubs/restaurants/lounges in your pajamas looking for an ATM and only realising later when you understand the strange looks that people are giving you. They are wearing their evening best and you are in your polka dotted pink jammies. Or when you forget your keys, travel ALL the way across the city to get them from your mum's place only to realise your friend who is five minutes from your house has keys and could have saved you a two hour trip (one way).

I guess, with Romy Luck, my life won't ever be boring. There hasn't been one day where I've been like oh.. nothing interesting happened today.