Inspiration at a road block

It’s not every day that you meet people who inspire you. When asked “who is your biggest inspiration?” I automatically reply with “My mother.” And it’s true, like for most people, my mother truly does inspire me. But, there are actually very few people in this world, who are not your mother, who make you sit up and think. Think over their words, admire their courage, and make you believe in things that you’ve kind of always known, you’ve been told, but may not actually believe.

There is a rather large difference between knowing and believing. Sure, you know that you tend to survive, somehow, what life throws at you, but do you honestly believe that you will? Tomorrow, if your worst fears are realised, do you believe that you are actually strong enough to survive? That you have the drive to push through and come out the other side, still positive and not as some jaded shadow of what you were? Because giving up is so easy. And honestly, when life goes to shit, it’s so easy to switch off and blame the bad hand you were dealt.

It takes a whole other person to actually pick up, dust off and start over. My mother did that, and for that I am truly grateful. I wouldn’t be who I am or where I am today if she hadn’t.

I don’t know if I have that strength to stick it out and see it through. This is one of my biggest fears, where I feel like I will let myself down when push comes to shove. I know that there have been times when I’ve been stuck and I’ve fled the situation and avoided it completely and others where I’ve gritted my teeth and held on. But in the long run, I also know that in the “fight or flight” syndrome, I definitely, mostly opt for flight. While I don’t judge if this is right or wrong, I sometimes wonder if I have the strength to fight when I can’t run anymore.

I caught up with my friend’s mother for a short while the other day and she made me rethink a whole lot of things in my life. We spoke about her journey, where at 42, her life went in a whole different direction from what she had planned. She had to start over and has done so with such grace and strength.

When I thought of what I would do, or how I would react when put in a position like that, after believing life would be a certain way for so long, I can only hope that I will have at least some of her strength. She never let ego get in the way and lives her life like it’s a “matter of fact” thing which is astounding. I feel like she should be shouting it from the rooftops – the amount she’s accomplished! To me, as she recounted her story, I was blown away by the fact that only her belief in herself and her confidence that it would all work out in the end got her through. Her determination to make her life work, even after everything, is something to be admired.

Having your life thrown upside down is cause for panic, cause for destruction and just, cause for losing it on a whole new level. I cannot imagine the stress that she must have gone through, and it makes the issues I face on a daily basis quite trivial.

On Friday, I had panicked because in my head, nothing seemed to be working out. I was questioning where my life was going, if I was headed down any kind of road, let alone the right or wrong one and what I had been doing for the past 27 years! What did I have to show for it and where would I be when I hit 30 soon. When I was younger, I thought I would have my life fairly figured out at 30, but today, 2 years and 3 months away, I am completely clueless. It kind of gets to you when you think your life is in a limbo. You see your friends moving on, getting married, going abroad, doing PhDs – having some kind of definition, at least in a social context. It freaked me out because I don’t see any definition in my life right now. Yes, personally, I am happy and I’m not moping around with “what ifs” and “but thens”, but it still made an impact. It is a weird kind of despair, when you have no regrets with all decisions you’ve taken, but you still don’t like where you’re at right now.  

I met my friend’s mother the next day (so well timed) and I feel inspired again, to go after what I want, to think things through and to know that this is not the end of the world. I have never had to face such change, I have never had to start over, and I’ve never had to redefine myself like she did. I have led quite a comfortable and cushy life, filled with joy and love.

I now believe that it is never too late to define your life, there is no particular time to decide that X would be it for the next 60 years. Dreams, whatever they may be, have no expiration date. There is no need to get hung up about what society thinks and for me to have a definite answer for “where do you see yourself in the next two years”.  It’s incredible that she has the strength to see the light beyond the brick wall, and to be positive and confident that there is a happily ever after, even after a particular book ends. She inspires me to believe in that, and more importantly, to make it happen with determination and work.

After thought: It’s amazing how the universe sends the right people, with the right words, at the right point in life. 

The break and the reunion

As an experiment, I took a break from Facebook and deactivated my account for about five months. I just wanted to see what my life would be like when it didn't revolve around knowing what other people were doing and trying to share that my life was also cool.

My life is tame. It is a very normal, everyday, mundane life which I love and take comfort in. It gives me a weird thrill to make it sound cooler, to make it slightly exotic, to make the everyday klutz sound like I am the funniest thing that ever happened in the history of the universe. I gave up all that. I gave up a part of what I felt so strongly about.

At first, I felt disconnected, to life, my social circle, my daily routine and felt quite idiotic in conversations because I had no clue what people were talking about. I didn't know what to do when I was waiting for someone, or bored at work. Then, I learnt to let it go, and honestly, not care about some person who I had gone to school with ten years ago, but never spoke to. Like really, what was the great loss?

Then, I realised that my biggest fear of losing my social circle (yes, I like to socialise) was quite unfounded. I still managed to go out, I still hung out with the same people before the break and after the break. I read a lot more, I made an effort to email people, call them, text them. I took comfort in the fact that I didn't need validation, people didn't need to know that I had gone to this place and ate that food. It was okay,

I guess the only difference was that I missed out on some updates and being tagged doing my cool things. I missed the Ice Bucket challenge because my friends used Facebook to challenge each other. In all honesty, it's not a great loss for me. I missed some songs, videos and articles but nothing much really.

I loved that some people who are close to me noticed my lack of updates, but mostly no one else did. It showed me how trivial it all was. Something that I genuinely spent time on, something that took up mental effort when I could have been sleeping was quite worthless in the long run. I love that two people actually took time out and wrote an email to me, which made me feel so good cause it's nice to know that you are actively thought about! Thanks Kate and Aunt Lori :) Love you both!

During my Facebook absence, I noticed that I got more active on Twitter and Instagram. This makes me wonder if the need to be connected and the need to share is a part of my personality or if it's just my generation? I enjoyed the break from Facebook because I kinda caught up with my Twitter friends a little more and took more pictures for my Instagram.

I activated my Facebook account last week, and the first thing I saw was a profile picture of some dude shirtless, showing off his abs and I was like um.. maybe I need to deactivate it again. But then, the convenience of it, the easiness of getting in touch with people outweighed my hesitation on being a part of the Facebook world again. But I think, this time around, it won't consume my life again. At least I hope so!

I read an interesting article on Buzzfeed by Lana Parker, about being honest on Instagram, or social media if you look at it in the broad perspective, and it kinds reminded me of how much there is a need to be cool, a need to be seen and have people "like" and comment on a status or a picture. That validation that you are socially "awesome" is so inbuilt.

A part of me recognises that idiotic need for validation, that happiness when you get a post that you picture/status has been liked or commented on, that constant watch to see what you think is cool, and what you perceive that other people think is cool. But that really doesn't stop me from spending time thinking of a caption, thinking of hashtags, trying to come up with a status that is both unique and relatable at the same time.

I again wonder of the need for validation is conditioned by social media today or if I was always this way when I didn't even have a computer, I console myself that I'm at least consciously this way. I now wonder if the break has made any difference in my life and way of thinking, or if I go back to checking in and being "cool".