Compromise. It seems like a word that haunts my every breathing moment. Give and take. I say haunts, because it is in human nature (mine definitely) to take, not give. If I could just take, wouldn't that be amazing? The last few months have been full of compromise for me, personally and professionally. This leaves me debating all the time if I've done the right thing. Questioning if this is better than that or is it the other way around? If I've made huge mistakes because in this stupid stage in life, my decisions are life decisions, not just random should I wear red or blue today kind of decisions.
I moved out. I now have my own space that I share with only one other creature. My cat. I love the freedom of coming home, playing music, eating and sleeping when I want, not having people I may not know over. I love that I can have people over when I want, be as loud or as quiet as I want. Have my own place where I can sing bad karaoke and not be afraid of being made fun of. But then, I also miss the companionship of a roommate, of coming back after a bad day at work and having someone to talk to, of watching movies, drinking wine and giggling together. Of talking about boys, Ian Somerhadler and if what Alex Vause did is perfectly justified, of saying bye in the mornings. I guess when I've experienced life with a roommate, then living alone is also an experience that I can't deny. But is it right if I miss the other life sometimes? Is that natural?
I've been wanting to travel, go somewhere for a very long time. Years in fact. I had my heart set on Cambodia, but I also know that I want to go to LA and NYC next year and maybe even Vegas if time/money permits. Those are also on my list. So now, I've chosen swallow that horrible feeling of despair as I watch all my friends travel and save up for next year. Sometimes, you wonder if you're going to go anywhere in your life as you see all the pictures on Facebook of people travelling, those insanely irritating links of why you should travel and not save, of living in the moment and all that crap. I wish I could be comfortable travelling on another person's (hi mommy) dime, but then, I realise, it's guilt free when you travel on your own. No obligations, it's your money, spend it the way you want, doing what you want.
It's been a really hard decision to take, ending in nights where I get frustrated and scream, but I guess it's a part of life. Money is a part of life. Everyone doesn't get what they want. I don't have the battle of fighting my parents on my daily decisions, of them nagging me about going out often or having people over, of who I'm hanging out with, what I'm eating or drinking. I get that freedom. Sometimes, I wonder if it's worth it, if I should just pack up, take my, move back into mum's place, save on rent and travel. But then, I look at my house, my friends randomly showing up and last minute dinner plans and feel like I've done the right thing. I am happy.
Professionally, I battled a huge decision where I went from from being proficient in a particular skill, being a team lead, to going back to being the junior most member in a team in terms of skill level, where I have to swallow hard as I get my work reviewed by a person younger than me. I try to think about the new skill I'm gaining and not about the fact that I've basically traded down on the hierarchical career chart. I question if I have indeed "traded down" if I have enough confidence in my abilities to be able to climb up quickly. Is it worth putting in effort to learn new things now, when it's costing me quite a bit? I want to talk to about 20 senior people who've already made these decisions in their lives and get their advice. But then, would that be my decision? Tomorrow, if something goes wrong, or right, would I be able to take accountability or would I say of but so-and-so said... I guess, at this stage, I feel growing horizontally in terms of skills is of greater importance than the vertical growth. I'm choosing to focus on the fact that I'm at least growing somehow, even though I need to bite my lip when my errors are pointed out. I'm a perfectionist and I loathe being criticized, even though that is normal in the learning process. I get it, but it doesn't stop me from trying to squelch my defensive replies and trying to shut up!
I'm starting to learn that as I grow, compromise is as much a given as is breathing oxygen. From something as small as letting my cat be my snuggle buddy where her fur is in my face and her nails dig into my torso as she clutches my t-shirt and I want to get her off the bed to if I want to trade in sleep for a night out. But as I feel her warm body curled into mine and her happy mews and watching it say 9 hours and 28 minutes when I set my alarm clock, I can sort of see the benefits of "compromise".
PS: I know this is quite brutally honest, but I just needed to get it out!
I moved out. I now have my own space that I share with only one other creature. My cat. I love the freedom of coming home, playing music, eating and sleeping when I want, not having people I may not know over. I love that I can have people over when I want, be as loud or as quiet as I want. Have my own place where I can sing bad karaoke and not be afraid of being made fun of. But then, I also miss the companionship of a roommate, of coming back after a bad day at work and having someone to talk to, of watching movies, drinking wine and giggling together. Of talking about boys, Ian Somerhadler and if what Alex Vause did is perfectly justified, of saying bye in the mornings. I guess when I've experienced life with a roommate, then living alone is also an experience that I can't deny. But is it right if I miss the other life sometimes? Is that natural?
I've been wanting to travel, go somewhere for a very long time. Years in fact. I had my heart set on Cambodia, but I also know that I want to go to LA and NYC next year and maybe even Vegas if time/money permits. Those are also on my list. So now, I've chosen swallow that horrible feeling of despair as I watch all my friends travel and save up for next year. Sometimes, you wonder if you're going to go anywhere in your life as you see all the pictures on Facebook of people travelling, those insanely irritating links of why you should travel and not save, of living in the moment and all that crap. I wish I could be comfortable travelling on another person's (hi mommy) dime, but then, I realise, it's guilt free when you travel on your own. No obligations, it's your money, spend it the way you want, doing what you want.
It's been a really hard decision to take, ending in nights where I get frustrated and scream, but I guess it's a part of life. Money is a part of life. Everyone doesn't get what they want. I don't have the battle of fighting my parents on my daily decisions, of them nagging me about going out often or having people over, of who I'm hanging out with, what I'm eating or drinking. I get that freedom. Sometimes, I wonder if it's worth it, if I should just pack up, take my, move back into mum's place, save on rent and travel. But then, I look at my house, my friends randomly showing up and last minute dinner plans and feel like I've done the right thing. I am happy.
Professionally, I battled a huge decision where I went from from being proficient in a particular skill, being a team lead, to going back to being the junior most member in a team in terms of skill level, where I have to swallow hard as I get my work reviewed by a person younger than me. I try to think about the new skill I'm gaining and not about the fact that I've basically traded down on the hierarchical career chart. I question if I have indeed "traded down" if I have enough confidence in my abilities to be able to climb up quickly. Is it worth putting in effort to learn new things now, when it's costing me quite a bit? I want to talk to about 20 senior people who've already made these decisions in their lives and get their advice. But then, would that be my decision? Tomorrow, if something goes wrong, or right, would I be able to take accountability or would I say of but so-and-so said... I guess, at this stage, I feel growing horizontally in terms of skills is of greater importance than the vertical growth. I'm choosing to focus on the fact that I'm at least growing somehow, even though I need to bite my lip when my errors are pointed out. I'm a perfectionist and I loathe being criticized, even though that is normal in the learning process. I get it, but it doesn't stop me from trying to squelch my defensive replies and trying to shut up!
I'm starting to learn that as I grow, compromise is as much a given as is breathing oxygen. From something as small as letting my cat be my snuggle buddy where her fur is in my face and her nails dig into my torso as she clutches my t-shirt and I want to get her off the bed to if I want to trade in sleep for a night out. But as I feel her warm body curled into mine and her happy mews and watching it say 9 hours and 28 minutes when I set my alarm clock, I can sort of see the benefits of "compromise".
PS: I know this is quite brutally honest, but I just needed to get it out!
Posts
