This Odd Place

I feel low. I have had friends tell this to me, when they’re going through one of life’s many challenges or when everything seems to be going perfectly fine. It’s just a thing that happens, when the serotonin and oxytocin levels in your body dip. Okay, I have no clue if it is chemical or hormonal; I just wanted to show off my Rizzoli and Isles watching skills.

But yes, you just dip. Your mood just dips, you notice more negative than positive, you tend to feel despair even if things don’t affect you directly, you just feel not happy when you’re doing nothing, like you don’t want to cry or anything, but smiling doesn’t come that easily. It’s like you have this urge to keep doing something, to not think about stuff or otherwise, lock yourself up in a dark room and eat your way through all the ice cream in this world. You tend make an extra effort to be cheerful when you interact with people, because fake it till you make it right? Maybe you come off as a little creepy (because no one is *that* upbeat), but a small price to pay for happiness, you tell yourself.

Now, I am facing this dip. I have distracted friends, I have told stories, gone out, listened when they talked. But somehow, I don’t feel like picking up the phone and saying hey, I feel low. Never knew that three words could be so hard to say. I guess it’s hard because it’s not like there is some big tragedy going on in my life, my life is smooth sailing (please don’t let this be a jinx) right now. Nothing great or amazing, but nothing horrible either. Quite unremarkable, really. I think it’s difficult to comprehend this mood swing for me because I am the kind of person that is ruled by logic. It does not make sense!

I just celebrated Dolly’s first year anniversary, which was amazing, it’s not PMS, I have great friends, a nice job and good colleagues, I’m healthy, I’m not in a fight with my mum or family, I have no body image issues or anything else that is “supposed” to plague me. So this whole low thing, I don’t get it and it’s frustrating.

There has been so much said on mental health, and taking time to understand and all that. And sometimes that is scary! One in 4 has depression. One in 5 has anxiety. Is this the new normal? How sad is that; that we’ve driven ourselves with all the pressure we’ve put on ourselves to get to this point! Also, it makes self-diagnosing so easy! Some 30 articles on “5 signs you have depression”. What rubbish. Just because a person gets low, does not mean they are clinically depressed! Just because someone is stressed, doesn’t mean they have anxiety! Sometimes I feel like I just need to push back on this pressure almost to have something wrong with you, because now, it’s weird if you don’t have some mental illness afflicting you or if you’re not seeing a therapist! Now, please if you’re reading this don’t go on a trip about how I’m ignorant about mental health. I’m not.

I feel like it’s stupid articles like this that make me get all hyper about the fact that I’m feeling a little low. As if I’m not hyper enough already! I’ve put a ridiculous amount of pressure on myself because I turned 30, and my life isn’t exactly the way I planned it. Yeah, I know it’s stupid, and 30 is just a number, “life starts at 30”, and all of that other stuff everybody has said to me. I know it, but that sense of pressure and mild disappointment is still there. It didn’t turn out like I dreamed. I know it’s unrealistic and almost nothing goes as planned, but still. It’s there, that huh.. feeling.

Funnily enough though, I don’t feel lesser than any of my friends who’ve led different lives and made different choices. I don’t feel embarrassed of where I am today, or feel like I’ve got no accomplishments or life sucks or whatever. It’s just very, very different from what I expected at 15.

Now after writing this (oh so cathartic), I feel like I need a day with my dog, watching absolute rubbish, with my girlfriends, cribbing about all the non-existent issues in life and to get off Facebook. That thing can really mindf*** you!

So now that is my plan. This weekend, I will give my dog a bath and a massage, I will hang out with my friends, I will watch Beauty and the Beast, I will sing loudly in the shower and today, I will deactivate my Facebook and look forward to a happier day.