You know one day when you just wake up and realise that things aren't the same? Yesterday, I freaked out. I woke up and realised that in a week, I would be 27 years old. TWENTY SEVEN YEARS OLD. I would have been on this planet, leading this life for 27 years. What do I have to show for that? What have I learned? I look at people around me, younger than me, who know who they are, what they're doing, where they're going. I hugged my monkey closer, realising that people 10 years younger than me had written books, founded and sold companies, had record deals, careers and I was staring at my ceiling in the dark, listening to my heart thud loudly.
When I was younger, 27 year olds had their shit figured out. They didn't call it shit because they knew what it freaking was. I don't even know that! My friends my age are either married, getting engaged or even having babies. I know that it's not the be all and end all to get married and pop tiny humans out of you, but they know what their lives are!!! People who have high powered careers, they know what direction their life is going. People my age are singers, actors, painters, lawyers, doctors - they have definition. I have a friend Darren, who did his MBA and is now exploring the world of sound engineering. He has a life path AND a back up option and he is only 23. Sheesh.
People ask me "what do you do?" I say I work at so and so place, but that's it. That is what I do??? What happened to the dreamer that I was? How do I explain what happened to me to the 16 year old me? That in the last ten years, I've basically amounted to no great accomplishments. My name is not carved anywhere, that I'm merely one of the many average sheep, nothing distinguishing me from anyone apart from my name, which I didn't even come up with! I still haven't got it sorted. I don't know what my life is, if I'll have the great, amazing career, if I'll have a zillion kids (read cats and dogs) and chill with them, if I'll travel, if I'll ever find someone to share my life with (read a human). At 27, don't you have to have it all figured out? My mum knew what she was at 27, she was a mother with a career. She knew what she wanted from life.
I don't know if I want a house in the countryside or an apartment in the heart of the city, I don't know if I want to stay in India or move (or with the visa headaches, if I even CAN move), I don't know if I want the career I have now to last me till I retire or if I want to switch, I don't know if I want to continue writing, am I even skilled at this? When people ask me about my skills, I say I can write. Every literate person can write. What does that even mean? What can I write? Can you call writing a talent? Then shouldn't walking be a talent? Maybe next time I can say I can walk when people as me what my skills are! I can't sing, can't dance, can't paint. What can I offer this world? How do I make my mother proud of me? She's been through so much for me, and if she can't say "That's my kid" when I accomplish something, what was the point? I can eat my weight in sugar. That can be my accomplishment. Maybe. I need to figure out something awesome and go do it. Pronto.
It's so weird to think that at 16, I was so much more secure about who I was, what I wanted to do and where I wanted to go. Granted it was a pipe dream and quite unrealistic, but I still had some direction. Today, I go to work, I come home to my cat, I meet friends sometimes and I hang with the family on the weekends. This is my life. This is what 10 years of pipe dreams have amounted to. It's like I've become content, content with not knowing, living in the present, feeling happy in the moment. I know it could be a lot worse, but I can't help but feel disappointed in myself that I didn't live up to those grand visions I had ten years ago, that my life is based on contentedness and not vision, drive and chasing the unreal.
I guess I've calmed down while writing this, and I know I don't have any regrets, I wouldn't change the decisions I've taken, but sometimes, I do wish I had done something more daring and not been so safe for so long. Coming into my late twenties is scary, because I have this intense feeling that time is running out, the freedom to pick up, leave and go somewhere, the ability to party till 3am and still be fully functional at work the next day, the ability to eat an entire pizza and not feel it settling in on your tummy and thighs, the will to go play frisbee in the park, to randomly buy new clothes, to try new toothpaste, to run after a bus and not look ridiculous, to laugh loudly, to not know which fork is the salad fork, to have a million freak outs and laugh about them later.. My time is running out and I'm not so sure I know what to do or who I am. I still feel young, where I would much rather go bowling with friends and then to a bar and dance like a fool rather than do champagne brunches in fancy hotels. I guess, I need to separate what I think a 27 year old is to who I am right now because I sure as hell don't match the version in my head! Am I being unrealistic? Is it weird that I'm going to be 27 and I have no clue about anything in this world?
When I was younger, 27 year olds had their shit figured out. They didn't call it shit because they knew what it freaking was. I don't even know that! My friends my age are either married, getting engaged or even having babies. I know that it's not the be all and end all to get married and pop tiny humans out of you, but they know what their lives are!!! People who have high powered careers, they know what direction their life is going. People my age are singers, actors, painters, lawyers, doctors - they have definition. I have a friend Darren, who did his MBA and is now exploring the world of sound engineering. He has a life path AND a back up option and he is only 23. Sheesh.
People ask me "what do you do?" I say I work at so and so place, but that's it. That is what I do??? What happened to the dreamer that I was? How do I explain what happened to me to the 16 year old me? That in the last ten years, I've basically amounted to no great accomplishments. My name is not carved anywhere, that I'm merely one of the many average sheep, nothing distinguishing me from anyone apart from my name, which I didn't even come up with! I still haven't got it sorted. I don't know what my life is, if I'll have the great, amazing career, if I'll have a zillion kids (read cats and dogs) and chill with them, if I'll travel, if I'll ever find someone to share my life with (read a human). At 27, don't you have to have it all figured out? My mum knew what she was at 27, she was a mother with a career. She knew what she wanted from life.
I don't know if I want a house in the countryside or an apartment in the heart of the city, I don't know if I want to stay in India or move (or with the visa headaches, if I even CAN move), I don't know if I want the career I have now to last me till I retire or if I want to switch, I don't know if I want to continue writing, am I even skilled at this? When people ask me about my skills, I say I can write. Every literate person can write. What does that even mean? What can I write? Can you call writing a talent? Then shouldn't walking be a talent? Maybe next time I can say I can walk when people as me what my skills are! I can't sing, can't dance, can't paint. What can I offer this world? How do I make my mother proud of me? She's been through so much for me, and if she can't say "That's my kid" when I accomplish something, what was the point? I can eat my weight in sugar. That can be my accomplishment. Maybe. I need to figure out something awesome and go do it. Pronto.
It's so weird to think that at 16, I was so much more secure about who I was, what I wanted to do and where I wanted to go. Granted it was a pipe dream and quite unrealistic, but I still had some direction. Today, I go to work, I come home to my cat, I meet friends sometimes and I hang with the family on the weekends. This is my life. This is what 10 years of pipe dreams have amounted to. It's like I've become content, content with not knowing, living in the present, feeling happy in the moment. I know it could be a lot worse, but I can't help but feel disappointed in myself that I didn't live up to those grand visions I had ten years ago, that my life is based on contentedness and not vision, drive and chasing the unreal.
I guess I've calmed down while writing this, and I know I don't have any regrets, I wouldn't change the decisions I've taken, but sometimes, I do wish I had done something more daring and not been so safe for so long. Coming into my late twenties is scary, because I have this intense feeling that time is running out, the freedom to pick up, leave and go somewhere, the ability to party till 3am and still be fully functional at work the next day, the ability to eat an entire pizza and not feel it settling in on your tummy and thighs, the will to go play frisbee in the park, to randomly buy new clothes, to try new toothpaste, to run after a bus and not look ridiculous, to laugh loudly, to not know which fork is the salad fork, to have a million freak outs and laugh about them later.. My time is running out and I'm not so sure I know what to do or who I am. I still feel young, where I would much rather go bowling with friends and then to a bar and dance like a fool rather than do champagne brunches in fancy hotels. I guess, I need to separate what I think a 27 year old is to who I am right now because I sure as hell don't match the version in my head! Am I being unrealistic? Is it weird that I'm going to be 27 and I have no clue about anything in this world?
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Time is like a river. You cannot touch same water twice because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Don't count your age just Enjoy every moment of life..
ReplyDeleteMe thinks time has not run out until it actually does. All we have mostly are a bunch of dreams and a sense of humour. So go on have another million freak outs and do not forget to laugh about it.
ReplyDeleteWhat you've done is ...grown up. Welcome to where the journey is more important than the destination. To where age is just a number. To where your own decisions are more important than dreams built on childhood perceptions. It's the grey area. It's awesome.
ReplyDelete