Stagnant or dynamic? The diary of a 28 year old woman

There are times in my life when I question if what I'm doing right now is okay, what my priorities are and what my end goal is. Like what am I working towards, because I'm choosing to live and not exist. My end goal is simple. Live life well enough so that I can buy a farm and rusticate with dogs. Have no regrets, never feel like I'm missing out and be financially well off so that I can truly rusticate and not have to work every now and then.

I do wonder what "live life well enough" means now that I have sorted out my end goal. Does it mean travel, does it mean to experience every moment that I'm thrown in, does it mean ambition in my career, does it mean having plenty of friends, being well read or does it mean all of these things? I feel like I'm in a weird stage in life where a lot of people's lives are changing, they're moving out of the city, getting married, having children, all of these big things, while mine seems to be at a constant.

When I look back over the last 10 years, to who I was when I was 18 and who I am now, I can see a 180 degree change in terms of my personality, my life goals, my career path, etc. I wanted to become an environmental journalist, but here I am deeply entrenched in the world of IT and Information Management! Honestly, the only two things that have remained the same are my love for animals and my love for pop-culture. The rest of it, along with my expectations have flown out the window! Which is a good thing. I really like where I am and who I've become! It has been a journey through a terrain of ups and downs to get here.

It does scare me though, to see my friends going through these big life changing experiences and I wonder if I am stagnant, if I am complacent or if I genuinely don't want those life changing experiences right now. My mother taught me to never say never, so I'm gonna say I honestly don't see myself being married or being a mother (unless it's to four legged, furry babies) right now. Does this make me not move ahead and IS that the road ahead? Relationships, children, buying houses and "settling"? Or can one move ahead, making strong friendships, experiencing the world one city at a time and finding love in the way the sun sets on a rainy day, a hug, a Friends re-run or the wag of a tail? Also, if I don't end up doing the whole marriage and children routine, should I have a high-flying, "successful" career in order to be seen as above average? Or can I just do whatever makes me happy at that point in time and be seen as above average, simply because I'm happy? Also, what if the career makes me happy, will people look at me and say oh she only achieved so much because she has no "distractions"? And please don't give me crap about not bothering about what people think, I do bother because I intend to live in a society of people and if that is the case, opinions matter.

I also worry that if I end up wanting these big life changing experiences later on, then will I regret not making them happen now... Or will I shrug my shoulders and look at it as a possibility that didn't happen and be content with whatever I have at 40? I think that it will be the latter, or at least I'm going to work towards it to be the latter with two mottos that I choose to live life by - "No regrets" and "Nothing ventured, nothing gained".

I discover things about myself as I mark every year with candles and cake, some of which I rejoice in, some that I am still coming to terms with and some that I am working towards excluding from who I am. One thing that I have learned is to take my time and to do things that I am comfortable with and not jump into things that I feel pressured into doing.

At the end of the day, I think I am dynamic, with my dogs and farm rusticating plan being my constant, my life goal.

Now the next big decision I need to take: Cotton candy or bubble gum ice cream?

Also, I kinda hate being 28, this stupid stage where I feel the need to question this stuff and hope I'm doing the right thing. Gah!

Perceptions

First impressions are important. It was almost a religious rule when I was growing up, I was literally raised to make a great first impression. I also chose to take people at my first impression of them, whether they made a good one or not. 

It's only today, navigating the corporate world, I see how important first impressions are, and how much of a difference they make. I'm so grateful to my mum who taught me not to fidget, to speak clearly, to have good table manners, to not shake my leg, to dress well, to be groomed, etc. I did rebel in the whole "I don't care what people think of me, I am like this only" way, but today I realise, whether I like it or not, whether I am an advocate for individuality or not, the society I live in is conditioned a certain way, and if I want to get ahead, I need to behave a certain way and have them perceive me a certain way.

Is it fake? Am I selling out? What happened to that girl who was the don't-care-master? Well, she grew up, became more practical and realised that if her dreams were to be accomplished, there has to be compromise. People don't get to where they are by breaking the rules. If they do, then they are the exception and we all cannot be exceptions.

Recently in a "dating situation", I realised how much I was judging the other person by their behaviour, by what they said, if their elbows were on the table, if they shook their leg constantly, how they were groomed and it was funny because I am pretty sure that I am constantly being judged by the same things.

The tricky thing is how do you follow society's norms but retain your individuality? Who decides what is the appropriate etiquette in what situation and how is this decided? Do you also judge people on first meeting or do you give them multiple chances to make up their mind? 

As much as I would like to say that i don't judge and I'm completely open minded, I know that I cannot. While I feel like I am being more tolerant, learning now to give people second chances, I am also pretty sure I come across as judgy. I guess, the only way that I feel that I am not a hypocrite is that if I judge you and make up my mind about you in the first meeting, then you are free to do the same. Maybe people say I lack individuality and I am not experimental enough and I have become a corporate drone. Like if you have weird visible tattoos in a business meeting, I will be hesitant to take you seriously, even though I have tattoos myself. Maybe that is hypocritical, but I truly believe that there is a time and place for everything. I guess, right now, at 27, me career is everything I want to invest in, grow and develop!

I love that rush that approval gets me, a good rating, a promotion, an award, an email commending me on my work. I love networking and later seeing opportunities come from that networking. There are some things I will not compromise upon, but there are some things that I will happily do so. Not wear a butterfly clip in a business meeting is something I can easily do. If that is giving up my individuality, then so be it. I can be the eccentric Director, after I grow to that position. Till then, you gotta do what you gotta do, I guess. 

I love jumping up and dancing in my own house, or on the road, or in a mall, but not in my office, because these people and their perceptions have an impact on my life. Even if I am the best at what I do, if the people who are decision makers in my career have a bad impression of me, I know I can kiss that job/project/role goodbye. 

It's fun to see my ideals shift, priorities shift and personality mature. I love reading my earlier diaries and looking back at the person that I was, and who I am now and what has shaped me into being this way. I wish I could jump ahead 10 years and see who I will be then and what my priorities are and read this blog and either say how right I am or how wrong I am!

Inspiration at a road block

It’s not every day that you meet people who inspire you. When asked “who is your biggest inspiration?” I automatically reply with “My mother.” And it’s true, like for most people, my mother truly does inspire me. But, there are actually very few people in this world, who are not your mother, who make you sit up and think. Think over their words, admire their courage, and make you believe in things that you’ve kind of always known, you’ve been told, but may not actually believe.

There is a rather large difference between knowing and believing. Sure, you know that you tend to survive, somehow, what life throws at you, but do you honestly believe that you will? Tomorrow, if your worst fears are realised, do you believe that you are actually strong enough to survive? That you have the drive to push through and come out the other side, still positive and not as some jaded shadow of what you were? Because giving up is so easy. And honestly, when life goes to shit, it’s so easy to switch off and blame the bad hand you were dealt.

It takes a whole other person to actually pick up, dust off and start over. My mother did that, and for that I am truly grateful. I wouldn’t be who I am or where I am today if she hadn’t.

I don’t know if I have that strength to stick it out and see it through. This is one of my biggest fears, where I feel like I will let myself down when push comes to shove. I know that there have been times when I’ve been stuck and I’ve fled the situation and avoided it completely and others where I’ve gritted my teeth and held on. But in the long run, I also know that in the “fight or flight” syndrome, I definitely, mostly opt for flight. While I don’t judge if this is right or wrong, I sometimes wonder if I have the strength to fight when I can’t run anymore.

I caught up with my friend’s mother for a short while the other day and she made me rethink a whole lot of things in my life. We spoke about her journey, where at 42, her life went in a whole different direction from what she had planned. She had to start over and has done so with such grace and strength.

When I thought of what I would do, or how I would react when put in a position like that, after believing life would be a certain way for so long, I can only hope that I will have at least some of her strength. She never let ego get in the way and lives her life like it’s a “matter of fact” thing which is astounding. I feel like she should be shouting it from the rooftops – the amount she’s accomplished! To me, as she recounted her story, I was blown away by the fact that only her belief in herself and her confidence that it would all work out in the end got her through. Her determination to make her life work, even after everything, is something to be admired.

Having your life thrown upside down is cause for panic, cause for destruction and just, cause for losing it on a whole new level. I cannot imagine the stress that she must have gone through, and it makes the issues I face on a daily basis quite trivial.

On Friday, I had panicked because in my head, nothing seemed to be working out. I was questioning where my life was going, if I was headed down any kind of road, let alone the right or wrong one and what I had been doing for the past 27 years! What did I have to show for it and where would I be when I hit 30 soon. When I was younger, I thought I would have my life fairly figured out at 30, but today, 2 years and 3 months away, I am completely clueless. It kind of gets to you when you think your life is in a limbo. You see your friends moving on, getting married, going abroad, doing PhDs – having some kind of definition, at least in a social context. It freaked me out because I don’t see any definition in my life right now. Yes, personally, I am happy and I’m not moping around with “what ifs” and “but thens”, but it still made an impact. It is a weird kind of despair, when you have no regrets with all decisions you’ve taken, but you still don’t like where you’re at right now.  

I met my friend’s mother the next day (so well timed) and I feel inspired again, to go after what I want, to think things through and to know that this is not the end of the world. I have never had to face such change, I have never had to start over, and I’ve never had to redefine myself like she did. I have led quite a comfortable and cushy life, filled with joy and love.

I now believe that it is never too late to define your life, there is no particular time to decide that X would be it for the next 60 years. Dreams, whatever they may be, have no expiration date. There is no need to get hung up about what society thinks and for me to have a definite answer for “where do you see yourself in the next two years”.  It’s incredible that she has the strength to see the light beyond the brick wall, and to be positive and confident that there is a happily ever after, even after a particular book ends. She inspires me to believe in that, and more importantly, to make it happen with determination and work.

After thought: It’s amazing how the universe sends the right people, with the right words, at the right point in life. 

The break and the reunion

As an experiment, I took a break from Facebook and deactivated my account for about five months. I just wanted to see what my life would be like when it didn't revolve around knowing what other people were doing and trying to share that my life was also cool.

My life is tame. It is a very normal, everyday, mundane life which I love and take comfort in. It gives me a weird thrill to make it sound cooler, to make it slightly exotic, to make the everyday klutz sound like I am the funniest thing that ever happened in the history of the universe. I gave up all that. I gave up a part of what I felt so strongly about.

At first, I felt disconnected, to life, my social circle, my daily routine and felt quite idiotic in conversations because I had no clue what people were talking about. I didn't know what to do when I was waiting for someone, or bored at work. Then, I learnt to let it go, and honestly, not care about some person who I had gone to school with ten years ago, but never spoke to. Like really, what was the great loss?

Then, I realised that my biggest fear of losing my social circle (yes, I like to socialise) was quite unfounded. I still managed to go out, I still hung out with the same people before the break and after the break. I read a lot more, I made an effort to email people, call them, text them. I took comfort in the fact that I didn't need validation, people didn't need to know that I had gone to this place and ate that food. It was okay,

I guess the only difference was that I missed out on some updates and being tagged doing my cool things. I missed the Ice Bucket challenge because my friends used Facebook to challenge each other. In all honesty, it's not a great loss for me. I missed some songs, videos and articles but nothing much really.

I loved that some people who are close to me noticed my lack of updates, but mostly no one else did. It showed me how trivial it all was. Something that I genuinely spent time on, something that took up mental effort when I could have been sleeping was quite worthless in the long run. I love that two people actually took time out and wrote an email to me, which made me feel so good cause it's nice to know that you are actively thought about! Thanks Kate and Aunt Lori :) Love you both!

During my Facebook absence, I noticed that I got more active on Twitter and Instagram. This makes me wonder if the need to be connected and the need to share is a part of my personality or if it's just my generation? I enjoyed the break from Facebook because I kinda caught up with my Twitter friends a little more and took more pictures for my Instagram.

I activated my Facebook account last week, and the first thing I saw was a profile picture of some dude shirtless, showing off his abs and I was like um.. maybe I need to deactivate it again. But then, the convenience of it, the easiness of getting in touch with people outweighed my hesitation on being a part of the Facebook world again. But I think, this time around, it won't consume my life again. At least I hope so!

I read an interesting article on Buzzfeed by Lana Parker, about being honest on Instagram, or social media if you look at it in the broad perspective, and it kinds reminded me of how much there is a need to be cool, a need to be seen and have people "like" and comment on a status or a picture. That validation that you are socially "awesome" is so inbuilt.

A part of me recognises that idiotic need for validation, that happiness when you get a post that you picture/status has been liked or commented on, that constant watch to see what you think is cool, and what you perceive that other people think is cool. But that really doesn't stop me from spending time thinking of a caption, thinking of hashtags, trying to come up with a status that is both unique and relatable at the same time.

I again wonder of the need for validation is conditioned by social media today or if I was always this way when I didn't even have a computer, I console myself that I'm at least consciously this way. I now wonder if the break has made any difference in my life and way of thinking, or if I go back to checking in and being "cool".  

Being generous in conversation

Around the beginning of this year, my mum told me something about being generous in my conversation. I looked at her quite in the "What on Earth are you talking about?" manner and waited for her to explain. A lot of people like to talk, talk about themselves, about their accomplishments, and sometimes, like you and me, they like to exaggerate. I love exaggeration. I have this whole blog to prove that. I realised, that while I am given the privilege of exaggeration in my writing, many times, I'm cut off or corrected while speaking. Especially when narrating a story. And the story is funny. It's so annoying. Or when you get excited over something like your crush paying you a compliment and then suddenly someone tells you that they like someone else, or they're just being complimentary and it means nothing. So what if your crush likes someone else, it's just nice to soak in that moment and feel excited about it. It would be nicer if that person let you have your moment.

Well, one thing I realised after my mum and I had that conversation is that people like to shut others down as soon as possible, and that I was also one of those people. As much as I hated it being done to me, I was also equally being a part of the shut down crew. I was quite appalled at my behaviour and more so of the fact that I hadn't noticed! Sure, there are some people who need to be shut up, but there are so many of us who just like telling a story, gushing over a boy, meeting a celebrity, going to a concert or whatever else. Enough of this one-up thing that people do, that I sometimes do. It's not fun competition, its exhausting and so self involved. 

I'm trying to be generous, to let others speak and let them have their moments. It's so hard when you've been so conditioned to compete for attention, to make yourself as "cool" as the person speaking and unfortunately, almost conditioned to climb up by bringing the other person down. It sucks that we're a part of a society that is like this. I'm not palming off the blame, I think I'm smart enough to know the difference and make my own decisions.

The other day, I read a tweet about someone being so excited because they spotted a Lynx in their backyard, and then someone else saying "Oh, I see them all the time." Isn't that sad? Like why don't people reply with "OMG That's so cool" or "Did you get a picture?" or something that makes the other person feel good about themselves? I'm also kicking myself because I didn't reply. 

I thought I was getting quite good at being conscious of my reactions and reacting positively, but a couple months ago when my cousin visited, he managed to pick up my cat, who was famous for being unfriendly. When he told my mum this excitedly, I chimed in saying "Oh yeah, only for a few seconds." Now what was the need for this, why did I have to say something like that, why couldn't I just let my cousin be happy, because it WAS a huge deal to have picked Cinnamon up! I later realised what I had done and dear lord hindsight is really 20/20!

Celebrities like Taryn Manning and Sophia Bush have said things like this, people ahve liked it and wholeheartedly agreed with them on their instagrams. But honestly, are people really understanding the value of being nice, of being supportive?

I know I still have a long way to go, but I think it's important that people are generous in their conversation, Let people have their moments and encourage positivity. I'm hoping that if you, whoever you are, do read this post, you at least think about how you react, be honest with yourself and either change or continue with the positivity :)