Bucket List - 30

1) Write an article on LinkedIn.
2) Learn a new language.
3) Volunteer more at the Shelter.
4) Visit Europe.
5) Do not turn 30.
6) Travel once a month.
7) Eat a new cuisine once a month.
8) Write an essay. Publish it on Medium.
9) Write more in general.
10) Meet friends once a month.
11) Value relationships and put more effort in them.
12) Stop spending money on clothes.
13) Learn how to put on make-up.
14) Colour hair purple.
15) Watch new TV shows and more movies.
16) Finish writing Taleyfaire with Suppu.
17) Stop taking family for granted.
18) Stop crushing on unavailable people!!!!
19) Learn how to drive.
20) Get Baileys – Mint and chocolate.
21) Give up cheese.
22) Go on picnics.
23) Go back to theatre.
24) Give up Facebook.
25) See snow.
26) Learn to play a sport.
27) Sing Karaoke – completely sober.
28) Host more games nights.
29) Stop freaking out about 30.
30) DO NOT get chased by animals.

This Odd Place

I feel low. I have had friends tell this to me, when they’re going through one of life’s many challenges or when everything seems to be going perfectly fine. It’s just a thing that happens, when the serotonin and oxytocin levels in your body dip. Okay, I have no clue if it is chemical or hormonal; I just wanted to show off my Rizzoli and Isles watching skills.

But yes, you just dip. Your mood just dips, you notice more negative than positive, you tend to feel despair even if things don’t affect you directly, you just feel not happy when you’re doing nothing, like you don’t want to cry or anything, but smiling doesn’t come that easily. It’s like you have this urge to keep doing something, to not think about stuff or otherwise, lock yourself up in a dark room and eat your way through all the ice cream in this world. You tend make an extra effort to be cheerful when you interact with people, because fake it till you make it right? Maybe you come off as a little creepy (because no one is *that* upbeat), but a small price to pay for happiness, you tell yourself.

Now, I am facing this dip. I have distracted friends, I have told stories, gone out, listened when they talked. But somehow, I don’t feel like picking up the phone and saying hey, I feel low. Never knew that three words could be so hard to say. I guess it’s hard because it’s not like there is some big tragedy going on in my life, my life is smooth sailing (please don’t let this be a jinx) right now. Nothing great or amazing, but nothing horrible either. Quite unremarkable, really. I think it’s difficult to comprehend this mood swing for me because I am the kind of person that is ruled by logic. It does not make sense!

I just celebrated Dolly’s first year anniversary, which was amazing, it’s not PMS, I have great friends, a nice job and good colleagues, I’m healthy, I’m not in a fight with my mum or family, I have no body image issues or anything else that is “supposed” to plague me. So this whole low thing, I don’t get it and it’s frustrating.

There has been so much said on mental health, and taking time to understand and all that. And sometimes that is scary! One in 4 has depression. One in 5 has anxiety. Is this the new normal? How sad is that; that we’ve driven ourselves with all the pressure we’ve put on ourselves to get to this point! Also, it makes self-diagnosing so easy! Some 30 articles on “5 signs you have depression”. What rubbish. Just because a person gets low, does not mean they are clinically depressed! Just because someone is stressed, doesn’t mean they have anxiety! Sometimes I feel like I just need to push back on this pressure almost to have something wrong with you, because now, it’s weird if you don’t have some mental illness afflicting you or if you’re not seeing a therapist! Now, please if you’re reading this don’t go on a trip about how I’m ignorant about mental health. I’m not.

I feel like it’s stupid articles like this that make me get all hyper about the fact that I’m feeling a little low. As if I’m not hyper enough already! I’ve put a ridiculous amount of pressure on myself because I turned 30, and my life isn’t exactly the way I planned it. Yeah, I know it’s stupid, and 30 is just a number, “life starts at 30”, and all of that other stuff everybody has said to me. I know it, but that sense of pressure and mild disappointment is still there. It didn’t turn out like I dreamed. I know it’s unrealistic and almost nothing goes as planned, but still. It’s there, that huh.. feeling.

Funnily enough though, I don’t feel lesser than any of my friends who’ve led different lives and made different choices. I don’t feel embarrassed of where I am today, or feel like I’ve got no accomplishments or life sucks or whatever. It’s just very, very different from what I expected at 15.

Now after writing this (oh so cathartic), I feel like I need a day with my dog, watching absolute rubbish, with my girlfriends, cribbing about all the non-existent issues in life and to get off Facebook. That thing can really mindf*** you!

So now that is my plan. This weekend, I will give my dog a bath and a massage, I will hang out with my friends, I will watch Beauty and the Beast, I will sing loudly in the shower and today, I will deactivate my Facebook and look forward to a happier day.

The countdown to 30!

So today, I started the countdown to 30. Four months. That seems like very little time to scramble to fulfill life goals that I can do in my twenties. All those articles of 20 things to do in your 20s or whatever, all of them are vividly clear in my head. I am active on Snapchat, trolling Tinder, going to Goa for the weekend, making spontaneous trips to Singapore to meet friends, bunking work because I don’t feel like working, having a friendly relationship with my boss and not having that weird awkward gap between your boss and you (not that this takes away from the utter respect I have for him), sharing all kinds of crap on Facebook, being active on Whatsapp groups, making drinking plans with friends on the fly, avoiding family on festivals, taking solo vacations with my dog, eating pizza for breakfast, breakfast for dinner, spontaneous shopping (like at least Rs. 5,000 worth) and not having a panic attack later, basically crossing off everything I think 20 somethings should be doing. I even drank alcohol on a Tuesday and felt only a little guilty about it.

Sometimes I panic that I’m not doing everything my counterparts are doing. I’m not getting married or in a long term relationship (or any relationship for that matter) and I don’t intend to procreate. And most of all, I panic because I don’t feel like I need to do these things. I’m fast reaching the “shelf” so to speak and will be of unmarriageable age in four months (according to society at least). I also have seen friends who yearn for that special someone or who succumb to societal/parental pressure to get married or who use the phrase “my ovaries are exploding” at the sight of a cute baby/toddler. I am doing neither. I seem to be the happiest when I’m single; I love my unpredictable life with a whole world of opportunity, independence to be able to pick and choose what I want! I get into fights on Facebook because I fully support having rows on planes that are child free! Mostly though, on a daily basis, I love coming home to an empty house, playing music and dancing around. I want to travel for work and not have to think about anyone else (apart from my dog) and be able to say yes to all opportunities knocking on my door.

Let’s face it; I have about another 10-15 years of this kind of freedom, with no dependencies or obligations. I say 10-15 years because I’m pretty sure at 45, I’d like to have a steady job, a nice apartment, a dog and my mum living with me (mostly to dog sit while I work). But I think I would like the predictable, steady life.

Is it wrong? Is it okay to be happy and not stressed? Is it okay to be satisfied with life, because I’m finally in the place I’ve always dreamed of? A good career, great people to work with, fantastic bosses, amazing friends (who I love to death), doing decently financially, in a good place with familial relationships, opportunities to travel or not and most of all, a fantabulous, super-duper awesome doggie in my life. Is it wrong to say no, I don’t want this to change? I don’t want to add more variables into this? Maybe now I’m too practical, I’m very well informed of the pros and the cons of being in a relationship, or being a mother. Maybe I will change my mind later, like my mum says, Never Say Never. 

Yes, there are days where I wish I did have someone, but honestly, with full introspection, like 97% of the time, I don’t. Not in the way I’m like thank the universe I don’t have someone, but in the way that it doesn’t even occur to me to want to have that person.

I remember as a child, thinking at 30, I’d have a fabulous life with a career, a husband and 2 children (both girls and I have names ready too, yes, Buffy and Xena). 30 seemed so grown up and “settled” (how much I despise that word). Today, I try to convince my friends kids to refer to me as Romy (none of this aunty business because I jolly well don’t feel like one) and the good children in the building to call me Dolly didi and NOT Dolly aunty. Please no. I am not auntified. An aunty is someone who is put together, who cooks and cleans and runs after her kids, who balances relationships at home and at work, who irons clothes that she wears… I am that someone who wakes up and decides what to wear after my shower, who buys underwear because I have run out of them as I haven’t done laundry in the longest time, who laughs out loud and curses, who is not the least “put together”. I am someone who still fangirls and squeals and doesn’t know how to handle idiots. I’m that girl who still has MILES to go before she sleeps (the lists and lists in the numerous buckets!). Not that I don’t love sleep. I can sleep 16 hours of the day.

Am I ready to turn 30? With all the connotations to it? And don’t say stuff like age is just a number, or it only has what you apply to it or whatever. Yeah, if you live a hippy lifestyle in the forests, the deer and the trees don’t care if you’re 30 or 300. I live in society as an active and functioning member, and I will be judged. People will question and ponder and discuss my life and decisions at the water cooler at work or over tea and samosas with their neighbours/relatives. Because that’s what people do. They will wonder what is wrong with me as I’m 30 and not married. They will wonder why I’m so happy when obviously things are tragically not working out for me. They will give me advice to freeze my eggs in case I want children later in life. They will then whisper that I want children so badly, but because I have no husband, I consider my dog (oh the scandal) as my child. They will whisper of the many affairs I will allegedly have. They will say that the only reason I’m doing well is because I have no husband or children. They will call me a ball busting bitch and say it’s because I don’t have a man in my life to teach me my place. They will say no man wants me because I’m such a ball busting bitch. They will feel sorry for my mother and grandmother because I’m so obviously dashing their hopes and dreams for me (let us all forget that all a parent wants is for their child to be happy and healthy at the end of the day).

They will feel envious when I call my boss from the Andamans and tell him I’m not coming in today. They will feel envious when I leave early to go see a play with my boss (not realising that they can also). They will feel envious when I go out drinking with my friends and have no one to answer to. They will feel envious when I book my trip to see the Northern Lights in Iceland while they save to pay for their children’s school. They will feel envious when I post pictures of my dog and me on the beach with not a care in the world. They will be envious when I get a promotion. They will be envious when I post photos of me at my best friend’s wedding, being truly happy for them.

They will be so busy looking at my life, not knowing that they have a kick ass life themselves, only that it’s different from mine. They will not understand that I am missing out on the joy of watching a human being learn and grow, of always having a partner to go for a movie with, of never being alone, of having someone in your corner all the time, of having someone to blame (for not paying the electricity bill or to say they are sick so I need a day off), of having someone take care of you when you need it. I am missing out. On these and a whole lot more.

The only difference between me and them is that I’m okay with it. I’m okay with missing out, because I choose to look at what I have and go with that instead. That I am making my own decisions (that I jolly well may regret later or change my mind on entirely and laugh and laugh at this blog post) but I will be content in the fact that these are currently MY decisions.

At the end of it, do I feel ready for 30? Do I feel ready to face society’s expectations of a 30 year old Tambram Indian girl? Do I feel ready to either live up to their expectations or not and be okay with it either way? I don’t know.

Right now though, I’m focused on the next thing on my bucket list of things to do in my twenties – visiting my friend in a foreign country.

You know when...

This is not particularly creative, but definitely relatable. This is a list of "You know when..." that I've said and that my friends have said. These are all unfortunately real life situations.

1) You know when you're stuck writing a technical document, want to do something different, so you glance up to see if your boss is at her seat. Then in her absence, you pull up your blog post and start writing and shriek when you hear your boss laughing at you from behind because she's reading it over your shoulder? Yeah. So much for being stealthy!

2) You know when someone says the name of your crush at work and you get whiplash from looking up too fast? Yeah, way to be obvious!

3) You know when you're so sleep deprived that you put Odomos on your toothbrush instead of toothpaste? Well, your teeth never got bitten by mosquitoes!

4) You know when your dog tries to wake you up and you try to play dead, and then she steps on a particularly sensitive area and you're all "I'M AWAKE!!" Really. Never woken up faster!

5) You know when you forget that your global CEO is in town for a visit and then wear shiny rhinestone jeans on a Friday and then try not to laugh at the horrified look that the Client Relations Manager is giving you as you bump into them on the stairs? Well, at least the CEO said "Nice jeans!"

6) You know when you're half blind and you shriek at the sight of an auntie's child because you've mistaken it for a dog and you're petrified of them? Yes, your mum's never been prouder of you!

7) You know when you read an email at work asking for your help, but you cannot for the life of you understand the English, but the person who sent it is senior and you can't say anything? Gives a new meaning to winging it.

8) You know when you're in your 20s and the ridiculously good looking Chief Marketing Officer is in town and you're in the lift with him and all you can do is grin like an idiot? I'm sure he thought you were indeed an idiot. Congratulations.

9) You know when you've had a really hard day and you need a hard drink and whip out a Pepsi? You da man!

10) You know when you put your foot in your mouth when a colleague trying to make conversation with you says "Babies are just like dogs" and you say "Don't insult dogs!" and realise 3 seconds later that she has a baby and was trying to be friendly? Yes, you'll are definitely besties now!

11) You know when you have the 4th most read blog in the company with more than 10,000 blogs and are super excited about it until people start considering you as a Knowledge Management expert and come to you with questions? Hello Google!

12) You know when you sit in on a call with international partakers and desperately try to understand their accents and fail miserably? "Can you please send me an email regarding this?"

13) You know when you're stalking someone online and accidentally like their picture? Yeah you totally knew them in 2007!

14) You know when you're so bored in a meeting and so close to falling asleep that you have to use a Vicks Inhaler to jolt you awake and you inhale a little too hard? Oh yeah, these numbers on the quarterly report totally has me in tears.

15) You know when your child can't say "tuh" and says "fuh" instead and then on the road says loudly "dum*uck" for dump truck? No, we do not run that kind of household.

Earworms

Have you ever had an earworm and then have the theme of that song follow you through the day? Making sure that it never ever went out of your head, no matter how many times you listened to Poker Face or to Hallelujah or even to Bye Bye Bye. It was annoying. Over the weekend, I woke up to the very annoying Rude Boy by Rihanna ringing in my head.

Come here rude boy, boy
Can you get it up
Come here rude boy, boy
Is you big enough

Well. This first stanza just totally started my day. I made a quick dash to the grocery store that morning, humming this and then being disgusted with myself, to buy some eggs. I had never bought eggs in that grocery store before so I had no idea where they were kept. When I couldn't find them, I asked the person running the grocery store and he took me down an aisle and bent down. I followed his body movement subconsciously to see where the eggs were. BIG MISTAKE. I was treated to the glorious view of his oversized behind and butt-crack - plumber style. Is you big enough? Yeah. Too big. Un-freaking-avoidably so. Why me? Why that day? Whyyyyyy with that hideous song playing in my head?

I wa-wa-want
What you wa-wa-want
Give it to me baby
Like boom boom boom

I went for a walk in the night with my awesome twosome and they are quite vary if strangers and dogs while on walks. By vary,  I of course mean they bark, growl, lunge and generally threaten to attack. Now, there is also a person in my building with a rather large dog. We've had run-ins before and I always talk to them to calm down, to not bark when they see this very large dog, but I'm obviously interrupted by the two terrors who always, always decide that they can take the giant in a fight. I swear sometimes I wonder if they are David and see this giant as their Goliath!

Don't they understand that if this dog chooses to attack we'd all be goner?  I'm so glad that this dog doesn't wa-wa-want what these guys wa-wa-want!

Now another thing - I hate cricket and especially loathe it when india wins because firecrackers. Boom boom boom. I personally have no fondness for the noise and dislike it more when I need to calm a dog that is petrified and another that is ready to go to war! I truly wish they would bam firecrackers along with everything else that the government sees as unfit for Indians?

All I can say is that the next time I wake up with this song stuck in my head, I'm rolling over, going back to sleep and waking up the next day!

Feeling whole again

It took a while. It took a long while to come to terms with this overwhelming loss that I felt when Gypsy passed on. It was like I lost my sense of self, my will to move on, my ability to love like that ever again. I didn't know who I was, or how to define myself. It was the small things like not having to be at home at 4pm or having to wake up in the morning at 5am. It was the ability to be spontaneous, to travel, to stay out late or stay over at a friend's place, to call people home, to not buy eggs. It was these small things that made me feel that loss again and again, never letting go, as I smiled and agreed to watch a 10pm show, as I made impromptu plans to go to Goa, as I looked at the time (8am) on my phone and went back to sleep again.

Whenever I was asked to introduce myself, it took a couple of seconds to regroup, because Gypsy's mum was no longer the answer. I was a 'fun, spontaneous girl with no responsibilities'. Never in my life have I hated that word more.

Gypsy

It took a while to begin to embrace this new person I had become, the one that had the time and space to fall in love with people, celebrate and get her heart broken, the one that loved last minute plans, or canceling on them only because they require pants. I embraced it, because I finally realised that there is no "moving on" from unconditional love, there is no "moving on" from yourself.
I was happy. I had figured out how to define myself, I had figured out that I would always be Gypsy's mum and that I would always, always choose an animal over a human. In a nano-second.
I pet every dog I ever could, I made friends with the bristly, thug outside my office and called him Pinknose and I invited myself over to my best friend's house because she had dogs. It felt okay. I started to feel like I had all this love and I genuinely didn't know what to do with it. Where did it come from? What do I do with it?
I began experiencing the "ovary explosion" every time I saw a dog. It was a weird cramp that squeezed with an aching tightness no painkiller could relieve. My friends described feeling the same thing, except for them, it was babies. I still feel quite the nothing for the tiny humans.
My first visit to Second Chance - Cupa was an emotional one. Here were all these dogs, with so much love to give and in need of some love themselves. I felt a myriad of emotions I didn't expect. I felt happy because here was my version of heaven, I felt so helplessly angry because I cannot imagine the type of soulless evil that existed, I wanted to cry because I couldn't take them all and keep them happy and safe, I felt unadulterated joy when they came up to me, hope shining in their eyes, tail wagging and trusting me even though the world had really done them wrong.
It was in that minute, looking into Kushboo's big brown eyes as she sat next to me, allowing me to pet her, I promised myself that if I ever got the opportunity to be a doggie's human again, it would be one of these dogs.

Kushboo

I visited the shelter once a month, and more if I could. Each visit a little more emotional than the last, as I got to know the residents. I remember sitting with Scottie, a gorgeous terrier trying to picture him in my house. I remember thinking about watching movies in bed with Murphy and how he would look on my purple bedspread with his russet brown colour. I googled great danes and my heart sky-rocketed when I found out that they made great apartment dogs provided they were walked rather decently. I looked at Ross eagerly, wondering if he and I would get along. Each visit drew me closer to the idea of me and a lil four legged angel, on my purple sheets, watching Rizzoli and Isles.

Murphy

I started talking to my mum about it, because there was no way I could keep a dog and balance a 15 hour work-day alone. I started telling her stories of the doggies I had met, I showed her pictures, reminisced about Gypsy, shared stories about other dogs I knew and slowly started chipping away at the giant wall. It was a 'long-con'. Completely pre-meditated and quite successful. She finally cracked saying maybe sometime next year (this was in 2015). It was happening. I knew that our birthdays were the clincher. I decided that the final step in *nudging* her in the right direction was to take her to the shelter.
My mum is a tough woman. Her life, her career, her personality have all made her so. Her biggest weakness, like mine, are soulful brown eyes that belong to furry four-legged creatures that say "love me". We went to the shelter on March 4th, 2016. One day after my 29th birthday. My mum met 'Betty' and 'Bhushan' and fell in love. It was instantaneous. I was shocked, thinking I'd have to bring her a couple more times, tell her more stories and then I'd have it in the bag. But with Bhushan jumping into her arms when Xena barked, she was a goner.

Bhushan

We met and spoke to Sanjana Maddappa, an animal welfare worker with CUPA, who very patiently told us about each dog while Ross, who is her little tail, added some facts that she may have missed. We were sold and we came home to plan. Lists were drawn up and a lot of shopping was done, a list of questions were made, anticipation, excitement, nervousness all kept our bellies full and our minds working. They were going to come home on March 10th, which was the following Friday.
On March 9th, Sanjana called me with news that left me speechless. Bhushan had passed away in the night. One day before going to his forever home. It was unfair and awful and hopeless. I didn't know him that well, but my eyes were glassy that cab ride home and it wasn't the glare of the sun. He was a fighter.
I called my mum and then I called Anoopa Anand (because Sanjana was not in town at that time). My mother was unsure. This had really thrown her for a loop and she didn't know what to do anymore. We were first time adopters and this had really shaken us. While my mum thought long and hard, I was even more determined to bring 'Betty' home. 'Betty' was going to be called DeeDee and she went perfectly with my purple sheets. We wanted two dogs though because they would be alone for 4-5 hours a day. They also had to be apartment sized dogs.
Anoopa then told me about 'Amrita', who is Bhushan's biological sister. She was a shy, quiet, timid little girl who often got overlooked because she never came out to socialise. We were living testament to that because we didn't know her until Anoopa told us about her. We went to the shelter on Saturday the 11th, choosing to re-group on Friday. I crossed all my fingers and all my toes, wondering what my mother would say. We had come to an agreement that we would go through with the adoption ONLY if we both wanted it a hundred percent, because otherwise, it would never have worked out. It wouldn't have been fair to the dogs, to my mum and to me.
Meeting 'Amrita' was a blessing. She was shy, quiet, the polar opposite of DeeDee. She huddled in a corner and welcomed us in her meek way, with her tail wagging. I don't think Satan would have had a chance when it came to falling in love with her and her big needy eyes. Anoopa told us a little about her, her history and personality, talked to us a about taking them and how they would react. The two got along, which was a very good thing. We pulled out our list of questions and she answered all of them in as much detail as we needed. She was patient, kind and caring, even though the shelter was facing a new crisis with a box of 6 or 7 fifteen day old puppies.
We had our decision, and we had our kids. We went home and got the house ready. Training pads, water and food bowls, toys, leashes, collars and halters.
This morning arrived at 4:30am for me. Early would be an understatement. I was beyond excited and felt like a kid on Christmas and birthdays combined. We had decided to call 'Amrita' Dolly. We finally made it to the shelter at 12:30 and it was overrun with people and volunteers. We waited patiently, secretly enjoying the time to bond with our little girls.
I filled out the adoption papers, we put the leashes on and bid adieu to the Shelter after taking pictures and making promises to visit. I was scared of what could happen in the car ride back home, if they would be okay, if they would like me, if I could be who they needed. It felt like a huge daunting step that I was taking, but I was ready. More than ready!
We came home and mum and I thought they would both find a corner and curl up. We were sure that it would be stressful and they wouldn't eat or anything. Boy, were we mistaken. It was like they came alive!
DeeDee hadn't changed, she went around exploring every nook and cranny of the house, found her ball and played till we dropped dead, exhausted. She also christened our house with pee thrice. Even though she went out twice on the same day :/
Dolly on the other hand did a 180. She blossomed, running though the house like a mad woman, so excited to see what was going on, what were these strange things and barking and growling at the birds outside. She made her voice heard when a dog in the apartment complex spoke, she wagged her tail each time I looked at her and waited patiently while I took a shower. She found her spots quickly and alternated from napping to begging for treats and attention. She also was a rockstar, choosing to pee outside and not once inside!

DeeDee

Dolly

As I get ready for bed, I thank the universe for making this happen. I am so grateful to my mum, to who she is (crazy dog lover), to CUPA for existing and doing the amazing work that they do, to Osha (the shelter manager), Sanjana and Anoopa who played very important roles in making this happen. I wouldn't be writing this with a full, happy heart if it weren't for them.
Most of all, I am grateful to Gypsy for opening my soul to this unbelievable bond between human and dog, and to DeeDee and Dolly who have so graciously and eagerly allowed us into their lives and letting us love them and loving us in return.

For adoptions: cupaadoptionsblr@gmail.com
Visit CUPA Second Chance Shelter near Silk Board

2015

I read a post that a friend had written about her defining moments in 2015, which got me to thinking what were mine?

1) Learning that birthdays weren't everything - I didn't have the best of birthdays this year and it hit me hard because I always hype this up to being a spectacular, amazing thing, but it's okay if it's not. It doesn't mean that I am not loved or wanted or that anything has changed if there is a bad day in a year. It's literally just the marking of time.

2) Out of sight, out of mind is NOT true - This year, I moved back in with my mum and pretty much took a massive step back from my social life. It helped me figure out who I am and who I want in my life. I am extremely grateful to where I am today and who I have in it. We may not talk everyday but I know my people and they know me!

3) Vegas! - This was definitely eye opening. After all that hype, after I've wanted to go there since I was 21, all the glitz, glamour and moviedom, I can honestly say that it is NOT my kind of place and I really would be quite glad if I never have to go back there again. I had fun, yes, but that was only, only because of the company I had!  I was also introduced to the most crowded club I have ever seen in my whole life!

5) Family - This year helped me realise how much I value my family and that I wouldn't trade it for the world. It helped me shape some life choices that I am happy about. I got the chance to hang out with my cousins and my aunt and uncle in the US and I absolutely loved it. The highlight honestly though was Ginger. I'm not gonna lie. I also moved back home and got a chance to spend actual quality time with my mum and grandparents, which I hadn't done in a really long while.

6) My grandfather - I lost the only stable male influence in my life this year. I am so grateful for his presence. He filled in a missing part so well, I cannot remember ever going to bed feeling jealous of kids who had a dad or missing one. I remember he had a mustache and I hated it. I wouldn't let him near me one day and he has been clean shaven since. He taught me to climb trees, pick shells, learn to love the outdoors and gave me my love for life in itself. He gave me my first sip of beer and watched helplessly as I flailed around trying to learn Kannada. I can truly say that I have been loved, unconditionally, no matter what I did. I will always miss him and always be thankful that I got to be raised by him!

7) My career - I finally feel like I have taken the right steps in my career this year. I am now learning, struggling but moving progressively forward and I have a plan. This plan will work with sheer determination and hard work and I am SO excited for the next year and what 2016 will bring.

This year has been more stable than the years in the past and I am super happy about that! I think it's been a great year to build a base for what I want to do, what I want from life and who I want to be. I look forward to what 2016 has to offer! Happy New Year guys! May your year be awesome!

Why I love Anne Hathaway

With her movie The Intern out, there seems to be an inundation of Anne Hathaway news, articles and interviews. A lot of them fault her for being "perfect", comparing her to Jennifer Lawrence and Amy Schumer, who are more "cool". I honestly don't understand this. I don't understand the need to be loud, crass and curvy to be acceptable in today's society. And what is with this obsession to be "cool"?
What is wrong with being nice, happy, smart and well articulated? Just because she doesn't boast about eating three cheeseburgers before a red carpet and is a size 4 with access to very smart clothes, does that make her any less of a person? Because her humour is more PG than the ever popular R rated crudeness, doesn't mean she isn't funny.
I like that she is low-key, that she is real in the struggle and open about wanting to be her version of perfect. I mean, if we aren't striving for what we individually believe is our perfection, then are we just floating through life? I like that she is quick to smile, that she has a sense of humour that requires some brain cells and isn't slapstick all the time, that she likes keeping fit, eating healthy and looking great!
When people accuse her of losing her individuality by conforming to societal norms of perfect, I would like to ask these people about how they seem to forget the fact that Jennifer Lawrence and Amy Schumer are so relatable and everyone is like them in some aspect of the other. Aren't they conforming to the societal norms of today where over-the-top awkward is the new normal?
Anne Hathaway seems to be doing everything right, where she lives her life, hurting no-one, minding her own business, but is slandered for not shoving fries in her face and then cracking a poop joke or two on the red carpet! Seriously, if these are the people that society "relates" to and is now aping, I'm very glad for the Anne Hathaway and Taylor Swifts of the world who give us understated girls faith that there is some place for us too!

PS: I don't have anything against Jennifer Lawrence or Amy Schumer, I just used them because the world seems to compare the three of them.

Stagnant or dynamic? The diary of a 28 year old woman

There are times in my life when I question if what I'm doing right now is okay, what my priorities are and what my end goal is. Like what am I working towards, because I'm choosing to live and not exist. My end goal is simple. Live life well enough so that I can buy a farm and rusticate with dogs. Have no regrets, never feel like I'm missing out and be financially well off so that I can truly rusticate and not have to work every now and then.

I do wonder what "live life well enough" means now that I have sorted out my end goal. Does it mean travel, does it mean to experience every moment that I'm thrown in, does it mean ambition in my career, does it mean having plenty of friends, being well read or does it mean all of these things? I feel like I'm in a weird stage in life where a lot of people's lives are changing, they're moving out of the city, getting married, having children, all of these big things, while mine seems to be at a constant.

When I look back over the last 10 years, to who I was when I was 18 and who I am now, I can see a 180 degree change in terms of my personality, my life goals, my career path, etc. I wanted to become an environmental journalist, but here I am deeply entrenched in the world of IT and Information Management! Honestly, the only two things that have remained the same are my love for animals and my love for pop-culture. The rest of it, along with my expectations have flown out the window! Which is a good thing. I really like where I am and who I've become! It has been a journey through a terrain of ups and downs to get here.

It does scare me though, to see my friends going through these big life changing experiences and I wonder if I am stagnant, if I am complacent or if I genuinely don't want those life changing experiences right now. My mother taught me to never say never, so I'm gonna say I honestly don't see myself being married or being a mother (unless it's to four legged, furry babies) right now. Does this make me not move ahead and IS that the road ahead? Relationships, children, buying houses and "settling"? Or can one move ahead, making strong friendships, experiencing the world one city at a time and finding love in the way the sun sets on a rainy day, a hug, a Friends re-run or the wag of a tail? Also, if I don't end up doing the whole marriage and children routine, should I have a high-flying, "successful" career in order to be seen as above average? Or can I just do whatever makes me happy at that point in time and be seen as above average, simply because I'm happy? Also, what if the career makes me happy, will people look at me and say oh she only achieved so much because she has no "distractions"? And please don't give me crap about not bothering about what people think, I do bother because I intend to live in a society of people and if that is the case, opinions matter.

I also worry that if I end up wanting these big life changing experiences later on, then will I regret not making them happen now... Or will I shrug my shoulders and look at it as a possibility that didn't happen and be content with whatever I have at 40? I think that it will be the latter, or at least I'm going to work towards it to be the latter with two mottos that I choose to live life by - "No regrets" and "Nothing ventured, nothing gained".

I discover things about myself as I mark every year with candles and cake, some of which I rejoice in, some that I am still coming to terms with and some that I am working towards excluding from who I am. One thing that I have learned is to take my time and to do things that I am comfortable with and not jump into things that I feel pressured into doing.

At the end of the day, I think I am dynamic, with my dogs and farm rusticating plan being my constant, my life goal.

Now the next big decision I need to take: Cotton candy or bubble gum ice cream?

Also, I kinda hate being 28, this stupid stage where I feel the need to question this stuff and hope I'm doing the right thing. Gah!

Perceptions

First impressions are important. It was almost a religious rule when I was growing up, I was literally raised to make a great first impression. I also chose to take people at my first impression of them, whether they made a good one or not. 

It's only today, navigating the corporate world, I see how important first impressions are, and how much of a difference they make. I'm so grateful to my mum who taught me not to fidget, to speak clearly, to have good table manners, to not shake my leg, to dress well, to be groomed, etc. I did rebel in the whole "I don't care what people think of me, I am like this only" way, but today I realise, whether I like it or not, whether I am an advocate for individuality or not, the society I live in is conditioned a certain way, and if I want to get ahead, I need to behave a certain way and have them perceive me a certain way.

Is it fake? Am I selling out? What happened to that girl who was the don't-care-master? Well, she grew up, became more practical and realised that if her dreams were to be accomplished, there has to be compromise. People don't get to where they are by breaking the rules. If they do, then they are the exception and we all cannot be exceptions.

Recently in a "dating situation", I realised how much I was judging the other person by their behaviour, by what they said, if their elbows were on the table, if they shook their leg constantly, how they were groomed and it was funny because I am pretty sure that I am constantly being judged by the same things.

The tricky thing is how do you follow society's norms but retain your individuality? Who decides what is the appropriate etiquette in what situation and how is this decided? Do you also judge people on first meeting or do you give them multiple chances to make up their mind? 

As much as I would like to say that i don't judge and I'm completely open minded, I know that I cannot. While I feel like I am being more tolerant, learning now to give people second chances, I am also pretty sure I come across as judgy. I guess, the only way that I feel that I am not a hypocrite is that if I judge you and make up my mind about you in the first meeting, then you are free to do the same. Maybe people say I lack individuality and I am not experimental enough and I have become a corporate drone. Like if you have weird visible tattoos in a business meeting, I will be hesitant to take you seriously, even though I have tattoos myself. Maybe that is hypocritical, but I truly believe that there is a time and place for everything. I guess, right now, at 27, me career is everything I want to invest in, grow and develop!

I love that rush that approval gets me, a good rating, a promotion, an award, an email commending me on my work. I love networking and later seeing opportunities come from that networking. There are some things I will not compromise upon, but there are some things that I will happily do so. Not wear a butterfly clip in a business meeting is something I can easily do. If that is giving up my individuality, then so be it. I can be the eccentric Director, after I grow to that position. Till then, you gotta do what you gotta do, I guess. 

I love jumping up and dancing in my own house, or on the road, or in a mall, but not in my office, because these people and their perceptions have an impact on my life. Even if I am the best at what I do, if the people who are decision makers in my career have a bad impression of me, I know I can kiss that job/project/role goodbye. 

It's fun to see my ideals shift, priorities shift and personality mature. I love reading my earlier diaries and looking back at the person that I was, and who I am now and what has shaped me into being this way. I wish I could jump ahead 10 years and see who I will be then and what my priorities are and read this blog and either say how right I am or how wrong I am!

Inspiration at a road block

It’s not every day that you meet people who inspire you. When asked “who is your biggest inspiration?” I automatically reply with “My mother.” And it’s true, like for most people, my mother truly does inspire me. But, there are actually very few people in this world, who are not your mother, who make you sit up and think. Think over their words, admire their courage, and make you believe in things that you’ve kind of always known, you’ve been told, but may not actually believe.

There is a rather large difference between knowing and believing. Sure, you know that you tend to survive, somehow, what life throws at you, but do you honestly believe that you will? Tomorrow, if your worst fears are realised, do you believe that you are actually strong enough to survive? That you have the drive to push through and come out the other side, still positive and not as some jaded shadow of what you were? Because giving up is so easy. And honestly, when life goes to shit, it’s so easy to switch off and blame the bad hand you were dealt.

It takes a whole other person to actually pick up, dust off and start over. My mother did that, and for that I am truly grateful. I wouldn’t be who I am or where I am today if she hadn’t.

I don’t know if I have that strength to stick it out and see it through. This is one of my biggest fears, where I feel like I will let myself down when push comes to shove. I know that there have been times when I’ve been stuck and I’ve fled the situation and avoided it completely and others where I’ve gritted my teeth and held on. But in the long run, I also know that in the “fight or flight” syndrome, I definitely, mostly opt for flight. While I don’t judge if this is right or wrong, I sometimes wonder if I have the strength to fight when I can’t run anymore.

I caught up with my friend’s mother for a short while the other day and she made me rethink a whole lot of things in my life. We spoke about her journey, where at 42, her life went in a whole different direction from what she had planned. She had to start over and has done so with such grace and strength.

When I thought of what I would do, or how I would react when put in a position like that, after believing life would be a certain way for so long, I can only hope that I will have at least some of her strength. She never let ego get in the way and lives her life like it’s a “matter of fact” thing which is astounding. I feel like she should be shouting it from the rooftops – the amount she’s accomplished! To me, as she recounted her story, I was blown away by the fact that only her belief in herself and her confidence that it would all work out in the end got her through. Her determination to make her life work, even after everything, is something to be admired.

Having your life thrown upside down is cause for panic, cause for destruction and just, cause for losing it on a whole new level. I cannot imagine the stress that she must have gone through, and it makes the issues I face on a daily basis quite trivial.

On Friday, I had panicked because in my head, nothing seemed to be working out. I was questioning where my life was going, if I was headed down any kind of road, let alone the right or wrong one and what I had been doing for the past 27 years! What did I have to show for it and where would I be when I hit 30 soon. When I was younger, I thought I would have my life fairly figured out at 30, but today, 2 years and 3 months away, I am completely clueless. It kind of gets to you when you think your life is in a limbo. You see your friends moving on, getting married, going abroad, doing PhDs – having some kind of definition, at least in a social context. It freaked me out because I don’t see any definition in my life right now. Yes, personally, I am happy and I’m not moping around with “what ifs” and “but thens”, but it still made an impact. It is a weird kind of despair, when you have no regrets with all decisions you’ve taken, but you still don’t like where you’re at right now.  

I met my friend’s mother the next day (so well timed) and I feel inspired again, to go after what I want, to think things through and to know that this is not the end of the world. I have never had to face such change, I have never had to start over, and I’ve never had to redefine myself like she did. I have led quite a comfortable and cushy life, filled with joy and love.

I now believe that it is never too late to define your life, there is no particular time to decide that X would be it for the next 60 years. Dreams, whatever they may be, have no expiration date. There is no need to get hung up about what society thinks and for me to have a definite answer for “where do you see yourself in the next two years”.  It’s incredible that she has the strength to see the light beyond the brick wall, and to be positive and confident that there is a happily ever after, even after a particular book ends. She inspires me to believe in that, and more importantly, to make it happen with determination and work.

After thought: It’s amazing how the universe sends the right people, with the right words, at the right point in life. 

The break and the reunion

As an experiment, I took a break from Facebook and deactivated my account for about five months. I just wanted to see what my life would be like when it didn't revolve around knowing what other people were doing and trying to share that my life was also cool.

My life is tame. It is a very normal, everyday, mundane life which I love and take comfort in. It gives me a weird thrill to make it sound cooler, to make it slightly exotic, to make the everyday klutz sound like I am the funniest thing that ever happened in the history of the universe. I gave up all that. I gave up a part of what I felt so strongly about.

At first, I felt disconnected, to life, my social circle, my daily routine and felt quite idiotic in conversations because I had no clue what people were talking about. I didn't know what to do when I was waiting for someone, or bored at work. Then, I learnt to let it go, and honestly, not care about some person who I had gone to school with ten years ago, but never spoke to. Like really, what was the great loss?

Then, I realised that my biggest fear of losing my social circle (yes, I like to socialise) was quite unfounded. I still managed to go out, I still hung out with the same people before the break and after the break. I read a lot more, I made an effort to email people, call them, text them. I took comfort in the fact that I didn't need validation, people didn't need to know that I had gone to this place and ate that food. It was okay,

I guess the only difference was that I missed out on some updates and being tagged doing my cool things. I missed the Ice Bucket challenge because my friends used Facebook to challenge each other. In all honesty, it's not a great loss for me. I missed some songs, videos and articles but nothing much really.

I loved that some people who are close to me noticed my lack of updates, but mostly no one else did. It showed me how trivial it all was. Something that I genuinely spent time on, something that took up mental effort when I could have been sleeping was quite worthless in the long run. I love that two people actually took time out and wrote an email to me, which made me feel so good cause it's nice to know that you are actively thought about! Thanks Kate and Aunt Lori :) Love you both!

During my Facebook absence, I noticed that I got more active on Twitter and Instagram. This makes me wonder if the need to be connected and the need to share is a part of my personality or if it's just my generation? I enjoyed the break from Facebook because I kinda caught up with my Twitter friends a little more and took more pictures for my Instagram.

I activated my Facebook account last week, and the first thing I saw was a profile picture of some dude shirtless, showing off his abs and I was like um.. maybe I need to deactivate it again. But then, the convenience of it, the easiness of getting in touch with people outweighed my hesitation on being a part of the Facebook world again. But I think, this time around, it won't consume my life again. At least I hope so!

I read an interesting article on Buzzfeed by Lana Parker, about being honest on Instagram, or social media if you look at it in the broad perspective, and it kinds reminded me of how much there is a need to be cool, a need to be seen and have people "like" and comment on a status or a picture. That validation that you are socially "awesome" is so inbuilt.

A part of me recognises that idiotic need for validation, that happiness when you get a post that you picture/status has been liked or commented on, that constant watch to see what you think is cool, and what you perceive that other people think is cool. But that really doesn't stop me from spending time thinking of a caption, thinking of hashtags, trying to come up with a status that is both unique and relatable at the same time.

I again wonder of the need for validation is conditioned by social media today or if I was always this way when I didn't even have a computer, I console myself that I'm at least consciously this way. I now wonder if the break has made any difference in my life and way of thinking, or if I go back to checking in and being "cool".  

Being generous in conversation

Around the beginning of this year, my mum told me something about being generous in my conversation. I looked at her quite in the "What on Earth are you talking about?" manner and waited for her to explain. A lot of people like to talk, talk about themselves, about their accomplishments, and sometimes, like you and me, they like to exaggerate. I love exaggeration. I have this whole blog to prove that. I realised, that while I am given the privilege of exaggeration in my writing, many times, I'm cut off or corrected while speaking. Especially when narrating a story. And the story is funny. It's so annoying. Or when you get excited over something like your crush paying you a compliment and then suddenly someone tells you that they like someone else, or they're just being complimentary and it means nothing. So what if your crush likes someone else, it's just nice to soak in that moment and feel excited about it. It would be nicer if that person let you have your moment.

Well, one thing I realised after my mum and I had that conversation is that people like to shut others down as soon as possible, and that I was also one of those people. As much as I hated it being done to me, I was also equally being a part of the shut down crew. I was quite appalled at my behaviour and more so of the fact that I hadn't noticed! Sure, there are some people who need to be shut up, but there are so many of us who just like telling a story, gushing over a boy, meeting a celebrity, going to a concert or whatever else. Enough of this one-up thing that people do, that I sometimes do. It's not fun competition, its exhausting and so self involved. 

I'm trying to be generous, to let others speak and let them have their moments. It's so hard when you've been so conditioned to compete for attention, to make yourself as "cool" as the person speaking and unfortunately, almost conditioned to climb up by bringing the other person down. It sucks that we're a part of a society that is like this. I'm not palming off the blame, I think I'm smart enough to know the difference and make my own decisions.

The other day, I read a tweet about someone being so excited because they spotted a Lynx in their backyard, and then someone else saying "Oh, I see them all the time." Isn't that sad? Like why don't people reply with "OMG That's so cool" or "Did you get a picture?" or something that makes the other person feel good about themselves? I'm also kicking myself because I didn't reply. 

I thought I was getting quite good at being conscious of my reactions and reacting positively, but a couple months ago when my cousin visited, he managed to pick up my cat, who was famous for being unfriendly. When he told my mum this excitedly, I chimed in saying "Oh yeah, only for a few seconds." Now what was the need for this, why did I have to say something like that, why couldn't I just let my cousin be happy, because it WAS a huge deal to have picked Cinnamon up! I later realised what I had done and dear lord hindsight is really 20/20!

Celebrities like Taryn Manning and Sophia Bush have said things like this, people ahve liked it and wholeheartedly agreed with them on their instagrams. But honestly, are people really understanding the value of being nice, of being supportive?

I know I still have a long way to go, but I think it's important that people are generous in their conversation, Let people have their moments and encourage positivity. I'm hoping that if you, whoever you are, do read this post, you at least think about how you react, be honest with yourself and either change or continue with the positivity :) 

Compromise

Compromise. It seems like a word that haunts my every breathing moment. Give and take. I say haunts, because it is in human nature (mine definitely) to take, not give. If I could just take, wouldn't that be amazing? The last few months have been full of compromise for me, personally and professionally. This leaves me debating all the time if I've done the right thing. Questioning if this is better than that or is it the other way around? If I've made huge mistakes because in this stupid stage in life, my decisions are life decisions, not just random should I wear red or blue today kind of decisions.

I moved out. I now have my own space that I share with only one other creature. My cat. I love the freedom of coming home, playing music, eating and sleeping when I want, not having people I may not know over. I love that I can have people over when I want, be as loud or as quiet as I want. Have my own place where I can sing bad karaoke and not be afraid of being made fun of. But then, I also miss the companionship of a roommate, of coming back after a bad day at work and having someone to talk to, of watching movies, drinking wine and giggling together. Of talking about boys, Ian Somerhadler and  if what Alex Vause did is perfectly justified, of saying bye in the mornings. I guess when I've experienced life with a roommate, then living alone is also an experience that I can't deny. But is it right if I miss the other life sometimes? Is that natural?

I've been wanting to travel, go somewhere for a very long time. Years in fact. I had my heart set on Cambodia, but I also know that I want to go to LA and NYC next year and maybe even Vegas if time/money permits. Those are also on my list. So now, I've chosen swallow that horrible feeling of despair as I watch all my friends travel and save up for next year. Sometimes, you wonder if you're going to go anywhere in your life as you see all the pictures on Facebook of people travelling, those insanely irritating links of why you should travel and not save, of living in the moment and all that crap. I wish I could be comfortable travelling on another person's (hi mommy) dime, but then, I realise, it's guilt free when you travel on your own. No obligations, it's your money, spend it the way you want, doing what you want.

It's been a really hard decision to take, ending in nights where I get frustrated and scream, but I guess it's a part of life. Money is a part of life. Everyone doesn't get what they want. I don't have the battle of fighting my parents on my daily decisions, of them nagging me about going out often or having people over, of who I'm hanging out with, what I'm eating or drinking. I get that freedom. Sometimes, I wonder if it's worth it, if I should just pack up, take my, move back into mum's place, save on rent and travel. But then, I look at my house, my friends randomly showing up and last minute dinner plans and feel like I've done the right thing. I am happy.

Professionally, I battled a huge decision where I went from from being proficient in a particular skill, being a team lead, to going back to being the junior most member in a team in terms of skill level, where I have to swallow hard as I get my work reviewed by a person younger than me. I try to think about the new skill I'm gaining and not about the fact that I've basically traded down on the hierarchical career chart. I question if I have indeed "traded down" if I have enough confidence in my abilities to be able to climb up quickly. Is it worth putting in effort to learn new things now, when it's costing me quite a bit? I want to talk to about 20 senior people who've already made these decisions in their lives and get their advice. But then, would that be my decision? Tomorrow, if something goes wrong, or right, would I be able to take accountability or would I say of but so-and-so said... I guess, at this stage,  I feel growing horizontally in terms of skills is of greater importance than the vertical growth. I'm choosing to focus on the fact that I'm at least growing somehow, even though I need to bite my lip when my errors are pointed out. I'm a perfectionist and I loathe being criticized, even though that is normal in the learning process. I get it, but it doesn't stop me from trying to squelch my defensive replies and trying to shut up!

I'm starting to learn that as I grow, compromise is as much a given as is breathing oxygen. From something as small as letting my cat be my snuggle buddy where her fur is in my face and her nails dig into my torso as she clutches my t-shirt and I want to get her off the bed to if I want to trade in sleep for a night out. But as I feel her warm body curled into mine and her happy mews and watching it say 9 hours and 28 minutes when I set my alarm clock, I can sort of see the benefits of "compromise".

PS: I know this is quite brutally honest, but I just needed to get it out!

Ponderings

While I walked down the road to work, I started to cross the road as I saw a couple of cows chilling and munching on some grass under a tree. I stopped myself and stood there, staring at them, thinking back to when the last time was that they chased me. It's been a while for sure, so my fear of cows should have dissipated by now don't you think? So I steeled my nerves and flexed my legs and walked past them. They gave me a stare, but probably because I was acting so strangely. I was ready to run, but nothing happened. I walked by, they munched on their grass and swished their tails. So now, my question is, do cows still have it in for me? Do I let it go or still stay cautious? When do you realise that you're over your fear? Nothing happened this time, but you see, unlike the fear of heights or whatever, the two variables are independent of each other (Look at me speaking statistics language :P). Cows have minds of their own and having something that probably weighs three times more than you come at you is not something you can brush off easily.

Another thing I'm thinking about is that why, though you do the exact same thing either way, do you feel more relaxed when you think you're not being judged. It's like when I had to clean my room and when my mum would watch. I used to get so stressed out, but when she wasn't there, it was so peaceful. Or when your boss isn't at work. Not like you would goof off or not deliver, but somehow, for some reason, it makes a difference. I feel it's easier walking in the same outfit into a room of people you don't know than a room of people you DO know. I feel more aware of what people think of me if I know them. Is it something people can relate to or is it just me and my paranoid brain?

I've finally come to accept that in today's world, appearance does mean something and you are judged on how you look, no matter what moral high-ground the people around claim to be on. If your shoes are scuffed, if your eyebrows aren't threaded, your hairstyle, the clothing, accessories - they all matter, we can sit and try to fight it and fail, or we can accept reality and learn to deal. I learned to pick my fights, change what I can and not try to start the already done hippie movement with the "I don't care" attitude, because I'd be a lying hypocrite. I do care. And I have no qualms admitting it either. I argue with my friend Supriya a lot, who reminds me SO much of a younger me, where the world was perfect and my idealism intact. I look forward to being a part of her journey of changing ideals, values and world views.

As things in my life stay up in the air, I feel excited trying to figure out which piece fits where and how my relationships with various people change, how they shift in my life, some shifting out, some becoming closer. From what I learn and observe, it seems this is going to be the constant in life, where things are never settled, where you'll never be able to say with certainty that you'll be doing XYZ for the next two years, unlike school and college, where you at least had a rough idea of where you would be. I see the uncertainty with people a few years older than me, single, married or parents, with people in my mother's generation and even with my grandparents. It's like navigating Hogwarts with the ever changing staircases, only knowing where you are when you're on that particular staircase!

All I know now, is that I come with cat. And I love her to distraction.

Freaked!

You know one day when you just wake up and realise that things aren't the same? Yesterday, I freaked out. I woke up and realised that in a week, I would be 27 years old. TWENTY SEVEN YEARS OLD. I would have been on this planet, leading this life for 27 years. What do I have to show for that? What have I learned? I look at people around me, younger than me, who know who they are, what they're doing, where they're going. I hugged my monkey closer, realising that people 10 years younger than me had written books, founded and sold companies, had record deals, careers and I was staring at my ceiling in the dark, listening to my heart thud loudly.

When I was younger, 27 year olds had their shit figured out. They didn't call it shit because they knew what it freaking was. I don't even know that! My friends my age are either married, getting engaged or even having babies. I know that it's not the be all and end all to get married and pop tiny humans out of you, but they know what their lives are!!! People who have high powered careers, they know what direction their life is going. People my age are singers, actors, painters, lawyers, doctors - they have definition. I have a friend Darren, who did his MBA and is now exploring the world of sound engineering. He has a life path AND a back up option and he is only 23. Sheesh.

People ask me "what do you do?" I say I work at so and so place, but that's it. That is what I do??? What happened to the dreamer that I was? How do I explain what happened to me to the 16 year old me? That in the last ten years, I've basically amounted to no great accomplishments. My name is not carved anywhere, that I'm merely one of the many average sheep, nothing distinguishing me from anyone apart from my name, which I didn't even come up with! I still haven't got it sorted. I don't know what my life is, if I'll have the great, amazing career, if I'll have a zillion kids (read cats and dogs) and chill with them, if I'll travel, if I'll ever find someone to share my life with (read a human). At 27, don't you have to have it all figured out? My mum knew what she was at 27, she was a mother with a career. She knew what she wanted from life.

I don't know if I want a house in the countryside or an apartment in the heart of the city, I don't know if I want to stay in India or move (or with the visa headaches, if I even CAN move), I don't know if I want the career I have now to last me till I retire or if I want to switch, I don't know if I want to continue writing, am I even skilled at this? When people ask me about my skills, I say I can write. Every literate person can write. What does that even mean? What can I write? Can you call writing a talent? Then shouldn't walking be a talent? Maybe next time I can say I can walk when people as me what my skills are! I can't sing, can't dance, can't paint. What can I offer this world? How do I make my mother proud of me? She's been through so much for me, and if she can't say "That's my kid" when I accomplish something, what was the point? I can eat my weight in sugar. That can be my accomplishment. Maybe. I need to figure out something awesome and go do it. Pronto.

It's so weird to think that at 16, I was so much more secure about who I was, what I wanted to do and where I wanted to go. Granted it was a pipe dream and quite unrealistic, but I still had some direction. Today, I go to work, I come home to my cat, I meet friends sometimes and I hang with the family on the weekends. This is my life. This is what 10 years of pipe dreams have amounted to. It's like I've become content, content with not knowing, living in the present, feeling happy in the moment. I know it could be a lot worse, but I can't help but feel disappointed in myself that I didn't live up to those grand visions I had ten years ago, that my life is based on contentedness and not vision, drive and chasing the unreal.

I guess I've calmed down while writing this, and I know I don't have any regrets, I wouldn't change the decisions I've taken, but sometimes, I do wish I had done something more daring and not been so safe for so long. Coming into my late twenties is scary, because I have this intense feeling that time is running out, the freedom to pick up, leave and go somewhere, the ability to party till 3am and still be fully functional at work the next day, the ability to eat an entire pizza and not feel it settling in on your tummy and thighs, the will to go play frisbee in the park, to randomly buy new clothes, to try new toothpaste, to run after a bus and not look ridiculous, to laugh loudly, to not know which fork is the salad fork, to have a million freak outs and laugh about them later.. My time is running out and I'm not so sure I know what to do or who I am. I still feel young, where I would much rather go bowling with friends and then to a bar and dance like a fool rather than do champagne brunches in fancy hotels. I guess, I need to separate what I think a 27 year old is to who I am right now because I sure as hell don't match the version in my head! Am I being unrealistic? Is it weird that I'm going to be 27 and I have no clue about anything in this world? 

Romy Luck!

A lot of people would think I'm being quite presumptuous actually naming a type of luck after myself, but if you knew me, you'd know that it is perfectly valid. I call it Romy Luck, when you have such ridiculously bad luck that you're just stunned and can only stare. I mean that movie "Just My Luck" has nothing on you!

I'm not talking about the horrible bad luck, but the luck that you have daily, in everyday situations. You know, like the kind of luck that prevents you from walking into a glass door after a meeting, or the kind that doesn't let you fall so hard in a bus while standing that an old lady gets up to give you her seat. That kind of luck. I truly and firmly believe that I do not possess that.

The other day, I was walking home from work and this giant golden retriever came over to say hi and when I rubbed is head, he jumped on me almost giving me a hug. And I thought "Oh this is nice" until I felt something hot and wet on my knee. Yeah. You got it. The dog PEED on me. Of course. I mean, you don't meet friendly dogs that don't pee on you right? Right. Or it's even more hilarious when you're walking to a coffee shop to catch up with friends and you get stung by a bloody giant red wasp. And your finger swells to twice it's size and it's SO PAINFUL! Like how does that happen????

It would also be the 3 minutes that when you take a break and watch a cat video on YouTube that your boss will appear behind you wanting to talk to you. After you make sure that the boss is busy, and slowly watch it, on a minimized screen. Romy luck is when you see a manhole, see that it's covered, confidently walk around it only to stick your leg into a hole next to the manhole. And of course, you will have a party to go to 2 days later, where you will wear a dress, bloody leg be damned.

It struck me yesterday when, while walking to my bus stop on my way to work, I was singing and I looked up to see my landlady walking towards me. It would totally look like I'm talking to myself. I mean all people are happy when they have loonies renting their homes. Totally. I mean, all the other times that I walk perfectly quietly to work, she doesn't show up. The ONE day that I decide to sing, tadaaaaa, she is there. Sigh.

It is also the tiny things, where the one day that you forget to take your coat and scarf, the crank up the AC at work. I mean, do you really have to know what you would look like as a corpse, with pale skin and blue lips and nails? Sheesh. There are some things in life that I would like to be blissfully unaware of! It would also be the time when you declare "I do not trip" only to fall flat on your face.

My Romy Luck came in strong when I went to a club recently. There I was, minding my own business, laughing at my best friend as she made a fool of herself on the dance floor when this guy comes up to me. He looks okay, t-shirt and jeans. I smile politely and attempt to turn away when he points at his empty glass and then points at my beer, indicating for me to give him some! Like are you freaking SERIOUS! Of course, he would ask me, the most unapproachable person there. I'm just stunned and I stare at him and then my friend before we both say "no!" and walk away. Then I spy him looking at all the glasses on the table, checking for alcohol that people may have left behind. EW!!

Some time passes and we are having a laugh at the dude, and then we hit the dance floor. Suddenly I feel a tap on my shoulder to see the same weird dude asking me to dance!!! I'm like what? Seriously, I know I may not be amazing or all that, but he is psychotic!!! I have standards. After turning him down, I stick to a friend and just stay the hell away from him. The night ends with him going on stage, snatching the microphone from the dude who's performing his gig and yelling "F*ck You! F*ck You! F*ck You!" into it! Like worse than the Kanye West / Taylor Swift moment!!! He was then thrown out after thankfully.

All the while, you're wondering, WHY would he even talk to me in the first place? He didn't talk to anyone else! Of course I would get hit on, to give him more alcohol, not the other way around.

These are just some tiny instances of having Romy Luck. Like the time when I walked into a tree while texting or the time that my cat decided it would be cool to put my earphones in her water bowl.

PS: Is it normal for cats to have an obsession with water where they put their prized possessions / things they like in water bowls? Like their favourite toys, my socks, my earphones, shoelaces, etc?

It would also be the time when you wander up and down a road that holds Bangalore's biggest clubs/restaurants/lounges in your pajamas looking for an ATM and only realising later when you understand the strange looks that people are giving you. They are wearing their evening best and you are in your polka dotted pink jammies. Or when you forget your keys, travel ALL the way across the city to get them from your mum's place only to realise your friend who is five minutes from your house has keys and could have saved you a two hour trip (one way).

I guess, with Romy Luck, my life won't ever be boring. There hasn't been one day where I've been like oh.. nothing interesting happened today. 

Writers write.

I truly believe that the reason why there is such awful writing on the internet is that a lot of good writers are insecure about their work!!! This fact was brought to light when my friend in university was assigned only the editing of the newsletter because she claimed to have no writing skills. At that time, we were in a hurry, so I took her for her word and she edited. The next time round, she wrote a piece called “The Rise of the Skeletons” which had me in tears of laughter and I wanted to smack myself for not paying attention earlier. It also made me want to rewire her brain because clearly, she has poor judgment. She is one of those hidden, unsuspecting people who suddenly are like “Teri paas Maa hain? Meri paas meri blog hain!”

That was two years ago. It came to light again a few days back, when another friend refused to show me her blog because she believes “it’s horribleee” which is like saying the McDonalds apple pie is crap. My response to that is she was dropped on the head as a child. Sure, is it gourmet cuisine? No. But is it good? Heck yes! I did read her blog (hello Google) and she is laugh-out-loud funny! And that is hard to write!!! Believe me I’ve tried and fallen flat on my face. My nose is crooked. Her writing is so conversational that you feel like she is talking to you and you laugh, only later realizing that you look really weird laughing at your computer screen in a serious office environment.

It’s people like these that make me wonder why some writing is online for the world to see. I would much rather read and laugh, rather than cry at the massacre of the English language or wonder if I can contact the author with some information on mental institutions and psychiatrists.

The concept of insecurity is fascinating, because the people who are truly insecure about their work are usually those who have a bucket load of talent. It’s like sometimes on the road, you see this creature that looks like a stack of Michelin tires wearing clothes that leaves very little to the imagination, not that you would want to imagine that, but the people who would truly look good in those clothes, might as well be wearing gunny bags!

It also makes me wonder what constitutes “good writing” and who judges this? My writing oscillates from writing about heartbreak and exploring love to writing about chips and candy. Literally. Is it “good”? And more importantly, do I care? I guess writing is all about it being relatable and that is subjective. I guess all I can say at this point is that, I enjoyed the writing of my friends and I want to read more.

When I forgot to look!!

You know that time in your life where you just go “what just happened?” Like you go a couple of months without really paying too much attention, and you almost don’t recognize it anymore! In the last two months, I got a new house (as most of you know), I also got two kittens(!!!) with my flatmate Swetha! We’ve named them Cinnamon and Kunai. Now, here is the fun deal. Swetha and I are both doggie people and didn’t know the first thing about kittens. A lot of the stuff we learnt online, like how to get them used to the litter box, what they eat and how much, etc. but there was a lot of stuff the websites didn’t really tell us!

Here is what we learned. The BIGGEST difference from dogs is that cats like to be left alone and not molly coddled. But of course, I’m a molly coddler. I love being mommy and loving a tiny critter to the ends of Earth. It is like my life’s mission. But, I learnt quickly to let them be, give them room and let them explore and trust that they will not fall down the stairs. Cuddle them and suddenly wrinkles on your face is your laaaast worry. You’ll have other lines and give “face reading” a whole new meaning! Another thing I learned the hard way, cats DO NOT like being scratched behind their ears. You do that and they will scratch you in stead! My hands have new lines and my future has been considerable altered I think! It is true. Also, if you get them used to playing with your fingers, they will do so ALL the time. Like even when you’re texting, they will pounce on them. You can’t even scratch yourself without them getting excited! This is after you’ve bought them more toys than you had as a child!

It’s been an adventure so far, and I’m absolutely loving it! The ups and downs make for great dinner table conversation. The horrified expression on my grandmother’s face when I tell her how they climb curtains is priceless. I’m quite assured that I am also a cat person because I love them to bits and pieces and I loveeeee walking in the door to high pitched squeaks which is how they tell me that they are glad I’m home! It really makes my day when they lead me to their food bowl with “feed me human” written on their face. I think I should start a Texts from Cat thing going.

The other big change is my job. I switched jobs and I love this one! It’s custom built for me and is a challenge but I’m super grateful to have really supportive people around! It’s close to home and I’m now balancing my house, my mum’s place, my grans, my work and my friends. I feel quite adult-ish. I still get distracted by lights and colourful things. So not quite all that dignified adult you see. Also, I am NOT plagued by IT issues. Really. I know it’s hard to believe, but the IT helpdesk are not my best friends at work. I do not greet them everyday with “Good morning! Could you please help me with…” Those of you who’ve worked with me, your whaaaaaa expression is valid.

Another change, my friend Maria is now a full on singer! Like she had her first concert, and is composing music and stuff. I get to see her do this entirely cool thing, compose music in the car when we’re (she) driving somewhere! Like where did that even come from??? And all I can sing is “Baby One More Time”! Her concert was insane! I was like yeaaaahhh, that is my friend up there, singing. I’m that cool. I have singer friends. Um, who are you again? :P

My long time friend Kanchan is finally planning on selling her art, which is crazy awesome! She was also in a Kannada movie (Money Shani Honey) which released in theatres!!! I’ve got a Kanchan original in my house! It’s so cool when someone you’ve known since you were nine years old is now a famous actress and is a painter and a whole lot more. It kinda makes you question your life, but then I go, I blog and walk into walls. That just makes me kickass!

Varsha had her Salsa show at the World Dance Congress. I got to see her dance and then made her teach me some basic Salsa steps, which I’ve promptly forgotten. She says she will teach me to dance. I say I will reduce her to tears. One must remember the one year of Bharatnatyam classes I underwent where I had to stop because it took me a year to come in the vicinity of mastering the first certification, that takes 6 months. I can still hear her go “Sit! Sit!” and me try in vain to get the rhythm.

Singer, actress, artist and dancer. All check! I think I need to get into the entertainment industry as a Public Relations officer or a manager. Because clearly, I’ve got the industry covered.

I also got to know Supriyaa  (a friend of  Varsha’s) a little better in the last month. I call her Smiley, because if you saw her smile, you’d call her Smiley also. She would really make a great comedian. She has a LOT of material from her childhood and is a fantastic storyteller. She told me once that I had a fascinating life, but my God, I wholly disagree. This is a girl who when she talks about her childhood, you sit and stare open mouthed because you can’t believe your ears! She once decided to break the Guinness World Record to eat the most amount of glass. She asked her parents how the person on TV did that and then when they replied “with practice”, our girl here decided to chew on a lamp bulb. Only realizing that she couldn’t when her entire mouth started bleeding!!!!!!! The disclaimer “Do not try this at home” was clearly written with her in mind.

Another brilliant escapade was when she decided that like the cartoons, she wanted to become flat, like a pancake, so that she can blow herself up by blowing on her thumb (read Tom and Jerry, Road Runner) so she stood in between two elevator doors, letting them slam into her and stopping when the neighbour brought her mum to rescue her, from herself. Then she cried in the night because she couldn’t blow herself back to size. And she narrated these stories with a huge grin while I looked at her and Googled the number for NIMHANS (a mental hospital). I don’t see how I am fascinating. Really. I get chased by animals. She voluntarily gets squished.

Another crazy awesome new thing is the sudden influx of musicians in my life! I absolutely love it, even though I’m tone deaf. But you know what, I have been inspired to write songs! Like I wrote four lines for a song and even had a tune in my head for it! I never write songs! I’m SO thrilled!!!!

Now, with all this change and newness in my life, there HAVE to be some things that are the same. Now please, can you think of one thing that would be the same in my life? If you’re thinking cows, you got it!!! On Tuesday, it rained heavily, and I was running from the bus stop to my house, only to get chased. By what you ask? A Camel? A dinosaur? Noooooo. By the great giant cow!!! I ran into the nearest house I found only to be thrown back out onto the street by the very nice guard dog growling at me. Sigh. At least there is some normalcy in my life.

Then, I walked home, missing the downpour by two seconds. Literally. But I did come home to a postcard on my doorstep, which made Monday a lot better as I had just learned that I would be spending the next two days in the office that is on the other side of the world (well almost cause LA would have been cool :P).

It’s so weird when you just let your life slide a little and suddenly there is SO much change and you actually need to take some down time and catch up! Anyway, here’s to the next big adventure! Being chased by monkeys. Or something like that!