While I walked down the road to work, I started to cross the road as I saw a couple of cows chilling and munching on some grass under a tree. I stopped myself and stood there, staring at them, thinking back to when the last time was that they chased me. It's been a while for sure, so my fear of cows should have dissipated by now don't you think? So I steeled my nerves and flexed my legs and walked past them. They gave me a stare, but probably because I was acting so strangely. I was ready to run, but nothing happened. I walked by, they munched on their grass and swished their tails. So now, my question is, do cows still have it in for me? Do I let it go or still stay cautious? When do you realise that you're over your fear? Nothing happened this time, but you see, unlike the fear of heights or whatever, the two variables are independent of each other (Look at me speaking statistics language :P). Cows have minds of their own and having something that probably weighs three times more than you come at you is not something you can brush off easily.
Another thing I'm thinking about is that why, though you do the exact same thing either way, do you feel more relaxed when you think you're not being judged. It's like when I had to clean my room and when my mum would watch. I used to get so stressed out, but when she wasn't there, it was so peaceful. Or when your boss isn't at work. Not like you would goof off or not deliver, but somehow, for some reason, it makes a difference. I feel it's easier walking in the same outfit into a room of people you don't know than a room of people you DO know. I feel more aware of what people think of me if I know them. Is it something people can relate to or is it just me and my paranoid brain?
I've finally come to accept that in today's world, appearance does mean something and you are judged on how you look, no matter what moral high-ground the people around claim to be on. If your shoes are scuffed, if your eyebrows aren't threaded, your hairstyle, the clothing, accessories - they all matter, we can sit and try to fight it and fail, or we can accept reality and learn to deal. I learned to pick my fights, change what I can and not try to start the already done hippie movement with the "I don't care" attitude, because I'd be a lying hypocrite. I do care. And I have no qualms admitting it either. I argue with my friend Supriya a lot, who reminds me SO much of a younger me, where the world was perfect and my idealism intact. I look forward to being a part of her journey of changing ideals, values and world views.
As things in my life stay up in the air, I feel excited trying to figure out which piece fits where and how my relationships with various people change, how they shift in my life, some shifting out, some becoming closer. From what I learn and observe, it seems this is going to be the constant in life, where things are never settled, where you'll never be able to say with certainty that you'll be doing XYZ for the next two years, unlike school and college, where you at least had a rough idea of where you would be. I see the uncertainty with people a few years older than me, single, married or parents, with people in my mother's generation and even with my grandparents. It's like navigating Hogwarts with the ever changing staircases, only knowing where you are when you're on that particular staircase!
All I know now, is that I come with cat. And I love her to distraction.
Another thing I'm thinking about is that why, though you do the exact same thing either way, do you feel more relaxed when you think you're not being judged. It's like when I had to clean my room and when my mum would watch. I used to get so stressed out, but when she wasn't there, it was so peaceful. Or when your boss isn't at work. Not like you would goof off or not deliver, but somehow, for some reason, it makes a difference. I feel it's easier walking in the same outfit into a room of people you don't know than a room of people you DO know. I feel more aware of what people think of me if I know them. Is it something people can relate to or is it just me and my paranoid brain?
I've finally come to accept that in today's world, appearance does mean something and you are judged on how you look, no matter what moral high-ground the people around claim to be on. If your shoes are scuffed, if your eyebrows aren't threaded, your hairstyle, the clothing, accessories - they all matter, we can sit and try to fight it and fail, or we can accept reality and learn to deal. I learned to pick my fights, change what I can and not try to start the already done hippie movement with the "I don't care" attitude, because I'd be a lying hypocrite. I do care. And I have no qualms admitting it either. I argue with my friend Supriya a lot, who reminds me SO much of a younger me, where the world was perfect and my idealism intact. I look forward to being a part of her journey of changing ideals, values and world views.
As things in my life stay up in the air, I feel excited trying to figure out which piece fits where and how my relationships with various people change, how they shift in my life, some shifting out, some becoming closer. From what I learn and observe, it seems this is going to be the constant in life, where things are never settled, where you'll never be able to say with certainty that you'll be doing XYZ for the next two years, unlike school and college, where you at least had a rough idea of where you would be. I see the uncertainty with people a few years older than me, single, married or parents, with people in my mother's generation and even with my grandparents. It's like navigating Hogwarts with the ever changing staircases, only knowing where you are when you're on that particular staircase!
All I know now, is that I come with cat. And I love her to distraction.
Posts
